Saturday, Pretty, T.and I went to the St.Jacob’s Farmer’s Market. We bought cheese, and some meats, meatballs and chicken and so forth. Then we got back in the car and went to lunch – sandwiches and pop and a danish for dessert.
CB was supposed to come by in the evening. He’d mentioned maybe going out, because he’d gotten a paycheque. So I went home and took a nap, thinking maybe we’d go out for dinner and then a movie? But I got a call from him at 5:30 to tell me that he was tired, had already been to his dad’s and his friend’s, and now he wanted to go home and relax. Just relax. I was angry, and confused.
Then T. called; her carbon monoxide detector was going off. So I went screaming over to her place to make sure she didn’t blow up or die or anything like that. I wasn’t pleased, and I think she might’ve just picked up on that. So I texted CB, and told him I was not going up to his place and that I was disappointed in him, and that I’d needed him Thursday when he also cancelled on me, and that I felt like I was totally unimportant to him and that it wasn’t fair to me. He called me about half an hour later and we yelled at each other for eight minutes and thirty-two seconds before I hung up on him.
The gist of it was that he was busy. I know he’s busy, goddamn it. I work two jobs. Everyone is busy. He had to go help his dad. He had to go help his friend (he’s in really rough shape medically, so that’s not just lip service, it’s true). He had to get up and go to the gym at four a.m., which meant he was too tired to see me. I said it didn’t take him any time at all to make a phone call or send me a text and that he hadn’t given me any indication that he gave a rat’s ass that he hadn’t seen me in a week. “It’s only been five days, Blue!” He said. “What if I had to go away for a job for two weeks?” I couldn’t even believe he would say something so asinine.
I said, “Fine. It’s all my fault. I’m asking too much from you.” And he replied with, “No, you’re not asking too much. It’s not your fault!” So what the fuck. I’m not asking too much, it’s not my fault, but you refuse to give me the attention that I need. I hung up on him. Not one of my prouder moments, but I simply… I was so frustrated that I was shaking.
I called T. and told her what had transpired. She talked me down a bit, and we both agreed I should call him back. Which I did. I left a message on his voicemail that he needed to understand where I was coming from. And that perhaps he didn’t want a relationship. That he wasn’t making time for a relationship. And that he was doing it on purpose, whether he realized it or not.
He called back a couple of hours later, and I said T. was over and we were going to watch a movie. It was almost nine, for God’s sake. And his response was, “Oh. I thought we were doing something tonight, but I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” Whatever. I was so angry. T. told me that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wasn’t asking for too much. She asked me what CB did to make me happy. And I just stared at her. What an awful thing, to want to defend him and not to be able to think of a single thing that he did to make me happy. I mean, besides the cuddling and the sex and that one time he drew a bath for me.
I went to bed, angry and upset and still not myself. I had a restless night, thinking of all the things that I wanted to say to CB and just couldn’t… couldn’t think of how to say properly without coming off like a whiny girlfriend. But damn it, I’m a good girlfriend. But the fact that he’s being a bad boyfriend is making me a bad friend. Pretty told us in the car on the way to the farmer’s market that Farmer had bought her flowers. And my response wasn’t “oh that’s awesome!” it was, “Oh, he did that because you had coffee with your ex the other night.” What a shit thing to say. I cursed myself as soon as I said it. I was jealous and envious and angry that their relationship is going so well when I feel like I’m constantly chasing CB for attention. And I don’t think he’s deliberately making me do that, but it is happening.
Fast-forward to tonight. He called around 3:30 and said he was coming over, and showed up about twenty minutes later. I have no idea where he was. I came out from drying my hair and sat in my chair and gave one-word answers to his questions. I was not at all happy and I just … all the things I’d thought of saying so calmly flew out the window. But in a gesture that’s pure CB and totally not anything TheEx would do and completely what I needed, he sighed, moved some things around on the loveseat, stood up and grabbed my hands and pulled me over to sit next to him. And then I cried.
I told him I couldn’t keep doing this, that it wasn’t fair to me. I told him that I felt like I was unimportant. He told me about the job – and I said that it didn’t matter, after this job, there would be another job. And then another one. He agreed, but he said that this job was worse because the hours were much longer than anything he was used to. Okay, that’s good to know. That does make a difference. He said he wasn’t used to being in a relationship and admitted that maybe he’s thick about some things. I said he needed to think about whether he really wanted a relationship or not. That I’d had FWBs who spent more time with me.
I said I knew I was a good girlfriend. I said it might be against women’s lib but that I liked taking care of him. I like cooking and baking and I don’t mind cleaning up. But I said he was not a good boyfriend. That he wasn’t there for me. I told him about what T. had asked me and that I couldn’t think of anything that he did specifically for me to make me happy. I said it wasn’t about going out or anything like that, but even a text in the middle of the day would help. I said that I sent him texts, and I knew he’d read them, but I got no response. So I didn’t know if I was just… (I lost my voice here) annoying him or what. He said there was no way I was annoying him, but he didn’t always have time to respond, sometimes he was busy. I laughed (a little snidely) and said that everyone is busy.
I said that I wasn’t asking to spend every minute with him, but that right now, I felt like I wasn’t an important part of his life. He told me again about getting soaked the other day and wanting to go home. I said that was fine, but he hadn’t given me the opportunity to comfort him. I knew that he had things that need doing – we all need time to “do” things, and man, I of all people understand that, but that a ten-minute phone call once a night isn’t going to take up a lot of his time.
I told him it’s been at least two weeks since he asked how my day was. “Really?” He said. “Really.” I replied. I think that surprised him. I said he showed little to no interest in my life, and that it was wearing. I told him that he almost never initiated contact with me, and that (I cried here too) it was hard for me to keep chasing him for attention. It was emotionally wearing and I was worth more than that. I am worth more than the way he’s been treating me.
He asked if he’d improved on the other things I’d mentioned at our last “meeting”. I said yes, he had. He tells me now when he’s going to be late. He’s not as afraid of telling me that I’m “cute”. So he is improving. I had mentioned to him during sex that pressing my clit like it was an elevator button didn’t get him anywhere; light touches made a difference. And he incorporated that last week all on his own. So it’s not that he’s unwilling to be taught. He’s proving that he can learn and is willing to modify his behaviour.
He said perhaps he needed to review his priorities and understand that I couldn’t be the last one to get his attention. But he also explained that he’s the only one in his family without heart trouble and he wants to keep it that way, which is why he’s so insistent about losing weight. Okay, I didn’t know that. So why can’t we go to the gym together? “Oh,” he said. That hadn’t even crossed his mind, but I’ll give him a bit of time and I’ll bring it up again.
T. suggested that perhaps he didn’t know how to be in a relationship, but we both thought he was too smart for that. But you know, I talked briefly to Dad (via IM) today about it, and he suggested the same thing. Perhaps CB just doesn’t know that a phonecall is worth as much as a visit. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to him that every now and then, I need to hear that I’m special to him.
He said that I was welcome up there during the week, on the weekend, whenever I wanted. He said he thought I realized that. He told me that he cared for me, that he didn’t want to lose me. I told him that I was proud to be with him, that I loved spending time with him, but that when he wasn’t with me, he wasn’t there at all, and that I couldn’t do that. So I guess we’ll see. I do love being with him. I do love taking care of him. We talked about Hitler tonight and orgies and decorating his living room. He’s not stupid, he’s not unintelligent, he’s not unwilling. How can I throw away what might be a perfectly good boyfriend, if I can just mould him a bit? He’s willing to put in the work, so, am I?