I felt stiff in the saddle, had been a year since I’d rode
And I’d never been on him save an afternoon lope
But this was the last thing on my tortured mind
As I put heels to belly and my band played the time
I told Pretty today that I was so tired of feeling unwanted. There is nothing worse in the world, I think, than being shot down over and over again. Okay, yes, cancer, but c’mon, I’m being a bit melodramatic and feeling a tad bit of self-pity, so work with me, here.
Hockey texted me twice yesterday morning, five minutes apart. I didn’t have my phone on / with me, because I was in Training. I got an email at 12:30, asking if I’d speak with him. I said, of course. Basically, we exchanged a few emails, and he asked me to go to his place last night. He told me he was separated. I said okay. The last text I got from him was at 5:33. He said, “See you tonight, Princess!” or something like that. I texted him at 6:30. No response. I texted him when I left work at 9:10. No response. I headed in his general direction, and called him at 9:15. Left a message. Called again at 9:35. Left a message. Came home, he showed as online. I sent an IM. No response. I sent an email this morning. No answer. I sent a text at noon, asking him to at least tell me he was alive. Nothing. He’s online now. Sent another IM to confirm I’m supposed to forget he exists. No response. It’s been half an hour.
Yes, T., I’m finally mad. It’s not the cancellation (for the second time) that I mind. It’s the disregard for someone else’s time, and feelings. I’m an adult. If you changed your mind, you changed your mind. But at least give me the respect I deserve and understand that *I* will understand.
I know he’s been online because his personal IM message has changed. So he’s blatantly ignoring me. I feel like turning on my webcam and sticking out my tongue. On top of which, I don’t know how we went from, “I can’t wait to see you” to total radio silence. WTF is that?
By the time I ended work at Hell today, I was in such a rotten mood that I picked a fight with the Hungarian about something totally stupid and I would gladly have punched something. Really fucking hard. The anger’s coming back now. I’m just – I don’t understand the total disregard. And what makes me maddest is if it happened again, I’m probably such a gullible idiot that I’d say “yes”.
Let’s talk about Headshot, because at least that makes me smile. Here’s an excerpt from an email: Well how attractive do you find someone who openly stated that they did the NSA thing..found it heartless…now wants to try a relationship type route. Oh and likes watching porn and talks about all the trials and conquests of her past. The past should remain in the past…thats why its called the past
Yes, how dare I admit that I like porn? Or that – *gasp* – I’ve had an NSA relationship? And I never mentioned the trials and conquests of my past. I can still number the guys I’ve actually slept with on one hand. lol. Want more? Okay.
By the way…of course we will click…I’m good looking and that bothers you.. Silly me. Of course. In all honesty, I am often intimidated by hot guys. You know what I do then? I imagine how they’d react if T. walked into the room, and suddenly that makes them so juvenile and so much less intimidating that I can usually smile.
One more – I am a very good judge of character. I know defense and you are a classic example of wanting to change peoples perception of how they see you and be formed by your guidance to see the person you are presenting. You are struggling with you [sic] self identity.
Shit. I think he hit that one bang-on. But I think he was playing Battleship and just got a lucky strike…
Chicago gave me some good words of advice today. He always says exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it. All good things require patience, he said. And that if I appeared confident, I’d appear beautiful. Before she left for the day, Pretty offered to help me stalk Hockey and potentially cause him bodily harm.
I’m lucky to have such friends.
Edited to add: Hockey never answered my IM. His status changed to “Away” and then he went offline. So, he ignored me. I’m resisting the very juvenile desire to post “Hockey is a poopyhead” in my IM message line. rofl.
