Awright. So, let’s start with the bad. Photog sent me another two emails to the dating site this morning. The first asked why I was ignoring him (yeah, no kidding, I was a bit incredulous, too). The second asked if I would please just tell him if we were going to continue this relationship, or not. I answered that one with a curt, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, based on our last IM conversation.” Then I got another email; he ranted a bit about the texts I was getting from married men (all one of them?), how I was still on the dating site (um, so was he?), and various other negatives about my character. I said fuckit, and in a pique, deleted my profile on the dating site. Let’s see what he thinks about that.

Second. Hockey didn’t email me. I emailed him this morning. We chatted back and forth a bit. I’m still hugely interested, but a bit of his polish has worn off. This actually distresses me, and I realize how ridiculous that is. Nobody’s perfect (I know, T.!). I want him to be the person I thought he was, and I’m not sure if he is. He had to go and coach hockey tonight, which is admirable. He wanted me to call in sick to work. Yeah, whatever. Then I sent him a text around 7 or so, and didn’t get a response. And I never heard from him last night. I’m not on his IM list (yes, you can check that). So… I’m wondering what he’s doing with his nights. He’s saying everything I want to hear, and I’m wondering now if that isn’t because he just knows what I want to hear and is feeding me lines. T. said he wasn’t out to hurt me or be a player, but I’m trying to maintain a bit of caution and pessimism here. Win me back over, if you can. I want to be won, so it’s not like it’s a hard task… AM pointed out that he wants me at his convenience, and nothing pisses me off more. I want to be wanted, and sometimes it’s gonna be at my convenience. I’m tired of always making myself available for other people when they want me. I guess that’s selfish, but that was my New Year’s goal, so… yay me?

Chicago sent me an email yesterday when I sent him a cry for help after hearing from Photog and Hockey in a span of ten minutes. He said, “Calm down, take deep breaths, in the nose out through the toes… Stick to your guns with these guys, keep your guard up and an eye on the horizon.” So I am. He’s a smart cookie, that Chicago.

Today was a better day at Hell. The order that had to fly out of Europe yesterday arrived at the airport this afternoon, so that was all good. I found one screwup, but I was simply too ticked off to do anything about it tonight when I realized it at 4:30. I’ll have to see if I can fix it tomorrow, and if not, well, then it’s not fixed. Coworker shouldn’t have left some crap in the state he left it in. But they wouldn’t call it “Hell” if it wasn’t work, huh?

My mother caught wind that I was thinking of driving north this weekend. I’d actually talked myself out of it, given my schedule this week and next. Here I am accommodating people at their convenience again, but it is my mother. She sent me an email saying she would love to see me and hoped I’d come up. Since she never says things like that, I wondered what was up. Then I read the rest of her email (she doesn’t use punctuation. It’s very much like reading the Little Man, T.) and found out that Grandma had taken up my biological grandmother’s china and keepsakes and Mom has some stuff for Sis and I and a cousin, too. She wants to divvy it up. It hurts my heart – I know it’s going to make me cry.

I remember when I opened the box that had my real-fur teddy bear made from Grandma’s coat. Grandma(2) had taken the coat and gotten it made into the bears for Sis and I. (Paternal grandmother’s coat was made into bears for Bro and Dad.) I knew what it was as soon as I started reading Grandma(2)’s Christmas letter, because I’d remembered reading the article in the paper about the woman who made them and thinking what a great idea it was. I think the Ex thought I’d lost my mind, I hadn’t cried that hard in ages. Bits of the past like that really bite me in the emotional ass.

And this is a depressing topic, isn’t it? It’s raining like a sonofabitch. I think I’ll go to bed early for once. Tomorrow’s Crab Cakes and Salsa in the Caf, and I don’t have to make a lunch. Saves me an extra 10 minutes in the morning. God, I luv my sleep! (maybe the perfect man will come along, read my blog, and fall wildly in love with this neurotic woman…)