Went to see the psychic Tea Lady today. She was interesting. Basically my reading broke down like this:

• I will meet a man this winter; it will start as something else and develop into a relationship. It will happen November-February-ish
• My apartment is a transition place and something more permanent is coming my way.
• I just got out of a relationship, but I still talk to my Ex. Too much. I should tell him less.
• I need to be careful at work to avoid an injury where I might pull or tear something and do myself some damage.
• I will have a husband, I will get married again, and there are children in my future.
• There aren’t any “money issues” in my immediate future. At least, she didn’t say that there were.

Pretty’s basically broke down into the fact that she’s going to have twins, and that her current husband is not “the one”, and she needs to address her self-esteem issues. We’ll work on that. She doesn’t see her self-worth apart from her husband. The truth is that she has a great deal of worth on her own; it’s just getting her to realize what other people value about her, and what she’s accomplished on her own. She was surprised when I rhymed off a whole list of her positive qualities; she doesn’t see them the same way other people do. She ties her worth to the fact that she can take care of someone, and since her husband isn’t allowing her to do that right now, she feels her worth is somehow diminished. She’s such a creative, wonderful, giving, generous soul that it’s hard to see her not understand her own value.

Something changed inside me when I went to the Little Man’s office the other day. I can’t explain it, but I have a greater contentment, a greater sense of myself than I did before that. I feel more balanced. Almost like I needed to go back there a few days in a row to see that I’m not the same person that I was when I was there, when I sat in that corner, behind that stupid blue wall, and did what I did for the pay I did it for. So much was different. I was still with The Ex, I was in a different place financially and emotionally. it wasn’t about the job, it was about the position I was in at the time. It was about revisiting the past.

I’m a different person now, a more successful person. And I’m proud of that, and I’m learning it’s okay to be proud of that. My self-worth doesn’t depend on The Ex. Or my job. Or my friendship with T. (who really is a force to be reckoned with, no matter what anyone thinks). I’ve built this person – this person that I’ve become in the last year - I’ve built this person by myself. Yes, with the help of friends, but by myself.

I’m having what – in person – would probably be an argument with T. right now about the situation at the Little Man’s office. I think we’re both arguing the same thing, but it’s hard to tell tone and such when you’re having an IM discussion. I definitely want to go back, but I have to look out for Number One. She wants to make sure she hasn’t set him up for failure right from the get-go. She hasn’t; I definitely want to speak with him. But at the same time, I’d be giving up a hell of a good job to go back to a place where he can’t meet everything I’m getting right now. I’m willing to compromise on some things if he’s willing to compromise on others.

But I don’t know what he will and won’t compromise on until we meet and discuss it. I have spent a little time this weekend (as little as possible so as not to overthink it) thinking about what is important to me, and I have to hold true to those ideals. As T. wisely said, emotion won’t pay my bills. I have to make sure I can. And I have to make sure I can follow through on anything I promise to deliver to the Little Man. I’m all messed up in my head. I know that T. is thinking about the business, and i think she’s also playing a bit of the devil’s advocate. I think it’s her way of making sure I know what I really want, what I’m willing to settle for, and what’s important to me. And you know, if the Little Man can’t meet them?

That’s okay. I’ll still be okay at Hell. There’s plenty of opportunity there. I’m only 29. I’m intelligent, I have an education, I have a good job(s). I’ll be all right, and I’m finally beginning to know it.