I Love You

I love you
You love me
We’re a happy family
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
Won’t you say you love me too?

Ah, Barney. I just finished watching Babel. I thought it would be much different than what it was. I expect a lot of people hated it. I didn’t mind it, though it could’ve been shorter. It definitely shows how we’re all connected, and yet how language still separates us all. It made me think of my writing, and how I really need to find the time to do it. I’m good at it, I express myself well, and that is my art. That is what I should be doing. Blogging is great, but inside every blogger is an author wishing or waiting to be born.

The Ukrainian didn’t call today. Or text. But he did look me up in Red’s list of friends (some 300 of them) and requested FB access. Which of course I granted. He is 25, just a baby. It doesn’t matter. If nothing else, now I have a cool kinda friend who’s in a great band. There’s stuff about him all over the web, but I’m trying to limit myself. If I do actually end up seeing this guy, I don’t want to ruin it by knowing about him. It would be like someone reading my blog before we dated. Who wants that sort of … disadvantage?

I saw TLG today, too. I’ve lost (since December) 3.6 lbs. That’s not fantastic, quite frankly, but it is when you consider I lost most of it in the past two weeks. As TLG recommended, I’m going to concentrate more on the fact that I lost 2.25″ inches… in the past two weeks. I’ve lost muscle mass, but she wasn’t overly concerned about it, since I have a fair bit to lose. Sometimes, she’s impressed by what I can do, and I’m never sure if it’s because she’s flattering me for no reason, or because I’m actually pretty damn good at some of this stuff. (i.e. tricep chair dips. can’t everyone do those?)

Today, I did three regular pushups, instead of all lady pushups. Actually, I did six overall, but three in a row in the first set. I couldn’t do regular pushups back in December. It might be a small thing, but it means a lot to me.

I took a nap earlier, but now it’s almost eleven and I’m tired, moody, and a bit … well, see, I don’t know if I’m supposed to be concerned about the Ukranian. I wish I’d dated. I wish my friends had dated and could help me. T. did, but that’s a whole other ball of wax. My sister certainly didn’t, neither did Pretty or Woodstock. I don’t know how these things go. I like to be good at what I do, but at “dating”, I think I’d get a D. I haven’t any idea what the regular route is or how this is supposed to go.

I’m going to get one of those books I bought last weekend and curl up in bed for a while. Hopefully it’ll get rid of the moodiness if I can get lost in someone else’s world for a while. Or maybe I’ll write. But I’ve written enough here. Onward.

I Kissed a Girl (and I liked it)

No, Chicago, I did not kiss a girl tonight at the bar. And there’s no drunk blogging, sorry. As per my conversation with TLG, I had one drink. And a shot. But does that really count if I didn’t finish the beer in the first place? We all showed up tonight, with the exception of AM1. She couldn’t make it, and I was sorry about that, but it was nice to go with just Pretty and Sis and my three cousins, Red, Soo, and LM. Yeah, a lot of people.

Red is friends with Ukranian. Ukranian was tall and cute. Came over and said hi to all of us and got introduced, disappeared. Then when Pretty and I were upstairs, just hanging out by the door and enjoying the cooler air, he came by. He was actually in line at the debit machine and left his place to come talk to us. Then when we went back downstairs, he walked past us then turned around and came back. And…. spent the rest of the night talking to me. TO ME. TO ME. Whooooo got his number?

*grins* I’m not getting my hopes up. He’s younger than I am, by quite a few years. But… oh, and Red’s slept with him. That doesn’t bother me. She’s still friends with him, so…

I’m not getting my hopes up.

Pretty sat there quietly for an hour and waited for me to be ready to go. There’s nothing more awesome in the whole world than someone who will give you the gift of time. And c’mon, this time it wasn’t Larry the Firefighter.

Now I’m tired as all get out. I have to be at the gym in less than twelve hours to meet with TLG for the second time this week. It must be paying off, two of my cousins commented on how good I looked, and how I looked like I worked out. Since I’m still fat, I have no idea what that means, and I had that thought cross my mind – how bad did I look before? – but I took it as a compliment and enjoyed it. And obviously Ukranian wasn’t too put off by it.

Anyway, my sister is blow-drying her hair in my bathroom, because she just washed it because she didn’t like the way my cousin styled it for her. And then she’s going to sleep on my couch for a bit or something while waiting for her boyfriend to show up? I’m not really clear on the details. All I know is I want to wash these fourteen pounds of makeup off my face and catch some Z’s.

… and wonder if maybe I’ll get a phone call tomorrow.

Damn Cold Night

Okay, seriously. What nut searches for “man squatting on broken glass”? What the hell kind of weird search is that? And what did you expect or hope to find!?

This is post #230, for those who care. I’ve been at this for a while now, it seems. And for the record, I spent my one night off this week at the gym for 40 minutes, followed by a dinner of frozen fruit, a pita with peanut butter and raisins, two slices of cheese, some mushrooms, and a quarter of a tomato. (See Ma, no cooking!)

Then I watched two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I must say, there’s a benefit to living alone; when you literally sob while watching “tv”, no one cares, because there’s no one there to watch you.

Now, I’m drinking a glass of extremely sweet white wine, and talking to T. via IM. We’ve had extremely similar weeks. We’re both drinking white wine. Neither of us have opened a bottle in months. Last week, we practically had the same brain on Thursday, though I’d like to say I would’ve enjoyed trading places. There have been a remarkable number of similarities in our actions and feelings lately. If this is what it’s like to be a member of T.’s family, I’m not sure I want in.

It’s like… okay, I always think that my thoughts are my own. Usually if T. is making an appearance in my head, it’s a nagging sort of feeling like I forgot to unplug the iron when I left the house. That sort of irritating worry. So I know now to call her. But in terms of whether “I” wanted the wine tonight or if she did, I’m not sure. I had wine because I wanted it. I think. Or did I have wine because T. wanted and was having wine?

It’s almost 1984-ish. Okay, not really. That’s more like a conversation that Chicago and I had about who should be allowed to have children. (and did anyone read the article about how Google Earth images helped cops in Europe find a giant MJ grow-op in the middle of a cornfield? Did that strike anyone else as very 1984-ish?)

Anyway, I should get some sleep, weird coincidences with a friend 1800miles away aside. Tomorrow night we’re going to the bar. I wonder what I’m going to wear…?

She Gathers Rain

I didn’t gather rain, exactly, but I did have to take the shovel out of the back seat when I got stuck in the driveway. The Landlord kindly snowblows out my parking spot, but he does not snowblow the driveway for the massage parlour next door, and that’s the entrance I use to get into my parking spot. I can drive around the back of the building and squeeeeze my way around the building and come at my parking spot from the other end, but it’s not easy to do, and I don’t like it.

I got in shit today from The Boss today for wearing jeans. I know there’s a dress code, but do you really have to call me out in front of two other people to point out my inadequacies? It’s only a pair of jeans, for God’s sake, on a day when we’re expecting 15 cm of snow. It’s not that big a deal. Anyway.

I went to CM today, and AM2 let me leave an hour early. We had one customer all night. I had to promise to go to the gym, though, which I did. I spent over an hour on the treadmill, because I was watching that show. You know, the one with that guy? And the other guy? And then at the end the SUV blows up and you don’t get to find out who’s been turned into roadkill? Anyway, yeah. I didn’t jog for half an hour like I did last time, but I think an hour on the treadmill of jogging and walking is pretty acceptable.

Now I’m tired, clean, and have gotten rid of the grumpies for the moment. I know I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow, but I’m still not cleaning all my tupperware and picking up all the junk that I threw in a pile when I got home. I need to do a bit of a pick-up, but I can do that tomorrow night. I’m not working, so I’ll be able to go to the gym earlier and get home earlier. I can’t do weights, because I’ll be working out with TLG on Friday.

Indigo just got comfortable, but I think I’m going to have to disturb him. I need my sleep, and it’s already eleven.

Sounds of Silence

Hello Darkness, my old friend…. I’ve come to talk with you again…

Tonight, I got to CM and talked to AM2 briefly about what Dad had emailed yesterday. She wasn’t surprised, didn’t look shocked, and couldn’t understand why that might upset me. I was… floored? I didn’t know what to say. And then I turned around, and in a move that would be classic Woodstock, I fumbled, and dropped my dinner all over the floor. Rice, sauce, and pork, everywhere. It was just fan-freakin-tastic.

That sort of sums up how my day went. Nothing exciting, nothing great, dropped my food on the floor. Oh, and the CEO of Hell has … resigned? Moved on? Retired? I’m not sure. But he’s no longer with the company, effective the end of the week. Okey-dokey. So, the entire Accounting Department has been moved / told they’re being let go. They switched our Accounts and they’re now being handled out of the US (not the entire Accounting system, but the move is there to have that take place this year). We asked for a repair facility in Canada for some warranty products and we were told it would be set up in the US, instead. The CEO is leaving,  no replacement announced. The economy’s in the shitter. D’you think maybe they’re planning to shut down the Canadian division and move the works to the US?

And I didn’t go to the gym. Today was the first time in a while that I actually went over 1800 calories. Well, Saturday hardly counts; I’m not sure I did go over then, but if I did, it wasn’t by much. I’m so tired; I couldn’t fathom going to the gym and then getting home, oh, about fifteen minutes ago. So instead I came home, hand-washed my two new sweaters, and cleaned the bird’s cage. Now, I’m off to bed. Vaguely pissed off and really not sure why. I’ll blame it on PMS.

Where The River Flows

Give me a moment
Got to get this weight up off my chest
Don’t feed me sorrow
Pain is a poison I digest
….
Make no more wishes
All of my patience has been spent
Gods of the season
Lead me to my next incident

Tonight, while I was at work at CM, my father emailed me. Because I have a Blackberry, I was saved the pain of getting his email once I got home and was alone, going to bed, and able to “dwell” on it. Instead, I got his email while I was still at work, and talked about it for a bit with AM1.

The entire email, minus the postscript, read,

This morning I told your mother I was fed up, that I have had enough. I told her to sober up or get out.

That was it. No explanation, no communication, no nothing. Well, I’m not startled, or bewildered. It’s not like we haven’t talked about this before. I emailed him a question, he emailed me back. Then, what did startle me is that he sent a third email, stating he did not want us (my siblings and I) to respond to his previous email, as Mom checks his email. I had half-thought that this was another one of his ways of dealing with the situation without head-on dealing with it; he knows she reads his email, he can use it against her by informing her (via the emails) that he’s spoken to us about it. Sort of shame her into behaving.

The fact that he likely deleted his emails to us and his emails from us indicates to me that this is more serious and more… honest than his previous attempts to deal with the situation. And that frightens me. I don’t know what to say or what I’m supposed to do. I accused him of trying to involve us; he replied he was simply trying to keep us informed.

I hate it.

I went to the gym on my way home tonight; I’d planned to go anyway, and this was a good excuse to work off some aggression. I warmed up for six minutes, jogged for 29 minutes straight, and cooled off for five. I’ve consumed roughly 1300 calories today. I know that’s not a good combination, but at this point, I don’t care. In positive news – I’m not dead after all – all the really hot guys work out at the gym after nine thirty, apparently. The place was a zoo, and the largest portion of members were sexy guys. I might go back tomorrow. My bag is already re-packed at the front door.

NJ replied to my email from Saturday (long story). As I’d expected and already mentioned to T. and Pretty, he had a baby last year. I’m happy for him, and I can see where that would change his priorities. (Really, the list of options was pretty slim. Not many men will turn down a sure thing unless there’s something pretty heavy sitting on the other end of the scale. Options include sick wives or mothers, new babies, or perhaps a chance to climb at least two rungs on the corporate ladder. This isn’t magic, it’s simply facts.)

Now it’s eleven, I’m tired, vaguely pissed off at both my parents, and I want some sleep. Gotta wash my lunch dishes first.

My List

Raise a little hell, laugh ’til it hurts
Put an extra five in the plate at church
Call up my folks just to chat
It’s time that I make time for that
Stay up late, then oversleep
Show her what she means to me
Catch up on all the things I’ve always missed
Just start livin’, that’s the next thing on my list

I got (practically) everything on my list accomplished today. I got up early, I went to the gym. I called them last night to ask if the Women’s section was open yet. I misunderstood her, or she misunderstood me; the Women’s section was not open. So I didn’t get to do my free weights. I dislike doing weights with the guys, now. Generally they’re not too bad, despite the “meathead” reputations. But, I’m less self-conscious when I do them in the Women’s only gym. So I did cardio this morning. Then I had a mostly-egg-white omelette and took myself off to work for six hours.

(In typical Blue fashion, I tried on three different tops, and in the course of these preparations, left the house without deodorant. So then I had to stop at Zellers to get some. The poor kid who bagged my Dove deodorant and my Purex laundry detergent must’ve thought I had serious odour issues.)

Worked with AM1 today, which is rare. It was a good afternoon; we made budget. No hot uncles, though. S’alright. Maybe Monday. Tuesday. Or, Wednesday.

Also managed to get myself over to buy a Quick Pick for tonight’s $43million. We were fantasizing at work about what we’d do with the money. I have to admit, quitting my second job would be a priority. Though to be honest, I’d probably stay long enough for them to train someone else. lol. What would you do with $43 million? I’d pay off the debts of my close friends – Chicago and Pretty and Woodstock and Johnny. Pay off my sister’s house and set up college funds for her kids. Send my parents on vacation and tell them both to quit their jobs and enjoy retirement.

I’d buy The Ex a car – I’d take him to the dealership and give him carte blanche to order whatever he wanted. Then I’d pay off his mortgage and that would be that. Spread a couple hundred thousand out amongst my aunts and uncles for them to share with their families. Then I’d find myself a nice, quiet piece of property. Woods, streams, and I’d find me a builder to put a house on it that didn’t interrupt the flow of the land. Lots of wood, maybe a log cabin style. But something with heated floors (!) and a jacuzzi tub.

I went to Walmart and bought Creep’s g/f some presents for her 19th, which was last Friday. A couple of tops, a couple boxes of chocolates and Weeds, Season 2. Whatever. It cost me $45. Yeesh. I also bought myself The Sword in the Stone, which I loved growing up. I’m tired of missing out on Disney movies because they always go back in “the vault”.

Annnnd I found my wart pads. Yes, I said Wart Pads!! Last week, I pointed out a spot on my foot to the Doc. I told him Mom didn’t think it was a wart, what did he think? He got a scalpel and sliced off a piece of my flesh, before declaring it was not a wart. He said it was a corn. Ooookay. But it’s been sore for a week. Almost like, ya know, someone took a scapel to it. And I looked at it today, and there’s  a black dot in the middle of the sore spot. Looked like a wart root to me.

According to the Doc, warts do not have “roots”. The black spots are dead blood, which has been cut off in the wart. Who knew? So… this is what my foot could potentially look like (it doesn’t, yet). Strangely enough, my wart is in almost exactly this position. And it’s the same foot I had a plantar wart on when I was in grade ten. That one got frozen off by a dermatologist. Let’s see if the Compound W will work. I have an intense dislike of burning my skin off, even if it is diseased.

A few years ago, I got warts pretty regularly on my hands. I knew what they were and treated them right away; they always appeared at times of stress. Back when I first started university, I had a wart under my nail on my thumb. They froze it every two weeks for a year, before they finally gave up and decided to cauterize it. Ever smelled burning nail? Mmmmm.

Got my laundry done, too. Yep, I was a busy bee. I got to the laudromat and filled two giant loaders (that’s $11 for the two machines – $5.50 each). Changed into my casual clothes so I could even wash the stuff on my back. Go to add soap to the machine. Hmm. Nothing’s coming out. I know there’s a little bit left in there… Tilt it up. Look in. Waaaay in. Damn soap is frozen. Luckily, I’d bought that other soap, earlier. Fill the machines. …. Did you know that Downy freezes too? I didn’t. And by the time I was done washing everything, I had to buy two laundry bags to cart all the folded stuff home. How is it that the folded stuff takes up more room? Regardless. The bags were only $3.99 each, and they’re pretty heavy-duty.

I’m not putting the laundry away. I’m not even turning around, because it’s all still sitting at the door. And it’ll be there tomorrow morning!

Scraped

Sometimes I feel like
The world is on top of me
Breaking me down with
An endless monotony
Sometimes I feel like
There’s nothing that’s stopping me
All things are possible
I am unstoppable

It’s NJ. He’s what’s turning me back to GNR. I remember in high school, even in middle school, how Axl Rose was my saviour. He made everything better, because he understood what I was going through. Now, I’m all fucked in the head lately because of this jerk with a Jersey accent. No, no, I’m not “falling” for him, per se. That’s just stupid. (Despite the obvious intelligence,  But it’s been quite a while since I had any action, and sometimes, when he emails me (like yesterday), I swear to Christ my underwear could spontaneously combust. In this case, sex is definitely better than chocolate. He reduces me to a one-track mind. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, today I worked, and then worked some more. Put product back up, counted rocks. Yes, rocks. Pumice, tiger’s eye, labradorite. What an exciting life I lead. Came home and sorted my laundry and changed my bed; did my cardio and that’s enough for one day, I think. Tomorrow, it’s the gym, work for six hours, and then laundry. Maybe a few movies. That’ll leave just groceries for Sunday, which gives me plenty of time to sit and stare forward.

And think about NJ.

Bastard.

Better

Okay, so I’m listening to the Top Nine at Nine on the way home tonight. Three of the top five songs are by AC/DC, Guns ‘n’ Roses, and Metallica. Is this 2009 or 1999? I really wasn’t sure…

I haven’t paid much attention to the new GNR disc, and I didn’t even buy it. But as usual, Axl is pulling me in with his lyrics. How this man manages to get inside my head, I’m not really sure. T., if you could somehow run into him in an airport, I’d be really grateful. Or Usher. But just ’cause he’s hot.

Anyway, these are the words that struck me tonight:

I never wanted you to be so full of anger (anger)
I never wanted you to be somebody else
I never wanted you to be someone afraid to know themselves
I only wanted you to see things for yourself

Makes me think of The Ex., of course. Ah, I love Axl.

For the record, Chicago, I spent my afternoon titillating NJ. Between, oh, 2:30 and 3:30 my time, T., if you’re trying to co-ordinate the Kavorka at all. The man is going to kill me. It’s almost like an addiction; you know it’s bad for you, you know it’s not going to help you in any way, and still, you keep going back for seconds. . .

I’ve been pondering what to do, exactly, with this blog. Of course, I intend to keep writing it, but I’ve found recently that my focus is less on my own emotional state and more on recounting the day’s events for my friends. And while that’s great, I wondered if I was losing something by not writing simply for me. Granted, when I started handing out the link, I think I lost the opportunity to keep this corner of the web for myself. But regardless, I’ve been pondering…

And then today, Woodstock (during the course of an entirely different conversation) told me that she thought my writing had vastly improved over the past year. She ended up reading about seven months’ worth of posts in one weekend, so one would assume she knows what she’s talking about. Well, that and her credentials as someone who actually gets paid to write. Basically, she said that I had a grasp of my audience and was writing for them. She said a lot of other nice things too, but it was sort of funny, because I’d been thinking about whether I was writing for an audience, or for myself. I guess the truthful answer is both.

If I was writing solely for myself, I’d be censoring a lot less than I am now. But if I was writing solely for an audience, I’d make damn sure I wrote stuff that was more exciting than, “I did cardio in my living room and the floor squeaked.” Pulitzer-prize winning that is not.

And you know, sometimes I write for this bird. Sitting here for fifteen or twenty minutes at the end of the night ensures that Indigo gets some time out of his cage, and that we cuddle a bit. So maybe I’m writing my blog for a 10-year old green lovebird. … and I’m okay with that.

Just use your head
And in the end
You’ll find your inspiration

To choose your steps
And won’t regret
This kind of aggravation

No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I’d know better…

Long Trip Alone

So I’m contemplating the idea of taking a long trip alone this summer. I don’t know if I can afford to A) take a long trip alone, B) move, and C) go to Miami. I see moving fading into the background. Yes, I hate the Upstairsian, but for the most part, I love my apartment. I don’t know. Argh!

Dad suggested I go to Arizona, to follow up on a lead we need to find my great-grandfather. However, Arizona in the dead of summer = a bad idea. He also suggested Port Royal, NS. That idea sounds good. I don’t know. It’ll come to me. I’d like to go to Hudson’s Bay, but that’s train trips and expensive bills… Even as expensive as gas is, it’s still cheaper than a train.

Sis sent me this link today. Oh my freaking Lord, it’s hilarious. And totally, completely, irrevocably NSFW (Not Safe For Work). Chicago will love it.

I had a dream last night about Grammar. Probably because I went to sleep texting him, and woke up to his text, too. In the dream, he’d come to pick me up for a surprise date. I wasn’t ready, of course. We ended on the beach, where he lay on top of me and kissed me senseless. I said something intelligent like, “oh.” But I knew that he liked me, and that was his way of showing it. And he was all tender and loving. Which, as I’m writing this, makes me laugh, because Grammar is neither tender nor loving, except to his dog. I’ve given up on him as dating material, so the dream has come out of left field for me.

Other than that, work, work, work, today. Followed by the gym. Oh, but I did buy eight books at Coles for $21. I used a gift card I got from RBC for using my Visa. (the Visa that I’ve since put away.) When Sis was on the phone with me, she asked if she could borrow another $575. I said no, I loved her, but I couldn’t afford to make the minimum payments then.

And then I asked her what she needed the money for, and then I rescinded the question, telling her she didn’t need to tell me. She wants it to buy a laptop. For her contract job. That she might not have next year. I laughed, and told her that if I couldn’t afford to buy myself a laptop, I sure as hell wasn’t buying one for her. Then I told her about my books, and then she asked me why I had two jobs, oh yeah, it’s because you like to shop. Bite me. It’s my money. God.

Anyway, that’s that. I’m going to take myself and my new books to bed. I’m cooking meatballs for lunch tomorrow (in the crockpot) and I’ll figure out dinner in the morning. It’s quarter after ten, and TLG worked my butt off. Time for sleep.