An Inch An Hour

All right, so I knew it was coming, but still. I got to Candy Mountain tonight and found out we had to tear down an entire wall (a big one) and rebuild it. And we had to add a shelf. And so on. It wasn’t going to be an easy job. At 7:30, we had accomplished practically nothing, and we spent the next hour and a half busting our figurative balls getting the wall done. It’s not perfect, but it’s all up, it’s there, and it looks good, if I do say so myself. But the poor girl I was working with has an allergy to dust. Needless to say, she spent the entire night sneezing, coughing, and wiping her tearing eyes. The poor thing, I felt bad for her. Anyway, it was a load of hard-ass work!

I didn’t post last night because I went to the gym, and jogged for most of my 50 minutes on the treadmill (5 minute warmup, 5 minute cooldown). When I felt my head starting to pound, I slowed down and walked for a few minutes. Then I picked it back up again. When I left, I didn’t feel too badly. It was like I almost had a headache, but didn’t. I came home, made dinner. Sat down and watched part of Alice in Wonderland. Fell asleep. When I woke up at a quarter to ten, my head was splitting. I put away the rest of my dinner, threw Indigo in his cage, and then went to bed, where I lay for the better part of an hour, fighting nausea and generally feeling like crap.

I woke up twice in the night with my head just throbbing. Then this morning I still had a bit of a headache, but it wasn’t quite so bad. Pretty thinks I need to take longer to cool down. Chicago suggested I wasn’t hydrated enough, but I had over two litres of water yesterday, and soup for lunch, and a couple of Diet Cokes and an orange juice. That’s a fair bit of fluid.

I have my mid-year review tomorrow with The Supervisor. That should be interesting. Actually, I think it’s going to be a joke, if I even manage to get to see him. He did two today; one was almost two hours, and the other was 45 minutes. But my coworker goes before me tomorrow, and she usually argues every point with him. So I don’t expect I’ll get to see him until Thursday. Whatever.

Pretty drove all the way to B-town tonight and dropped off the poles for my closet. I said that was insane; she asked me to tell her honestly I wasn’t dying to get the closet organized. I couldn’t. *grins* I think she knows me! Anyway, I’ve got all the clothes hanging up, and there’s still room, which is good, because I have two bags of dirty laundry. And the closet / office space is far more organized now and I don’t wince when I walk in there. My coats are all hanging neatly, and I have kinda enough room for all my blankets and linens. I’m thinking about investing in some of those bags that make your blankets look freeze-dried. The ones you can stick under your bed.

I got a Tim Card for my birthday. I tried to use it twice and was told both times that it wasn’t activated. And then no one could tell me how to activate it. I went through two clerks, the online info form on the website, a girl on the phone, the District Manager, and then the store owner, before I even got any assistance. I gave him a piece of my mind. Really, when I have the receipt in my hand, how in God’s name does it take so long to get this straightened out? Anyway, the guy called me today. He figured out what happened (basically, the loaded Tim Card was sold to someone else two days later, meaning someone gave my friend the wrong card), and he’s sending me a replacement card. For twice the value of the original. Um, okay! Now let’s just see whether it shows up in the mail, hmm? lol.

Grammar came by again today, but I really wasn’t in the mood to go see him. I know he’s hurting because his English Princess went home last week, but I just… I’m having a hard enough time dealing with my own life lately; I can’t handle too much of someone else’s heartache these days. But then, he sends me this text…

“I was out with XXXX last night and commented on how it’s weird that you have become one of my best friends.”

Christ. If I hadn’t wanted to cry before… Yeesh. Because I listen. That’s all I do. I listen to him. Sometimes it takes so little to make a difference in someone’s life… to become part of someone’s life in an important way. Knowing that he felt that way made a difference in my day.

Tell somebody today. Tell someone that you wouldn’t normally say anything to – tell them today that they matter to you.

I Can Hear Music

Just a quick post tonight. Today was a better day. A lazy day, but a better one. I woke up late, made myself some blueberry peach muffins, and went to Value Village (different location) where I found some jeans and another pair of pants for work. If I continue on this course of weight loss, I think this will be the Summer of The Dress, simple because it’ll be cheaper than continually buying new pants.

I talked to TheGiant for two hours tonight. I admit I texted him, he texted me back and said he’d call in a while. Turns out “a while” means about six hours, but he did call. We talked about everything and nothing and relationships and friends. I won’t say it was a brainstorm or a breakthrough of any kind, but it was still communication. And he said he’ll call tomorrow night, so I guess we’ll see if he follows through or not. I genuinely think he is trying, but I think he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Sort of like me with the first guy I talked to on Craigslist last summer – I simply had no idea what I was doing or how to connect / relate to someone other than TheEx. I think TheGiant is trying as best as he knows how; I just don’t think he really understands yet. About how to date, I mean.

Time will tell. Anyway, it’s close to midnight and I want to read a little more Whitman before I fall asleep. Tomorrow is another day.

Settlin’

Don’t know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin’ like another, “Maybe we can be friends.”
I’ve been leaving it up to fate
It’s my life so it’s mine to make

I ain’t settlin’
For just getting by
I’ve had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
“Just enough,” ain’t enough this time
I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything

Today was not a good day. Last night was not a good night.  There’ve been a few disappointments in the past few days, and it weighs pretty heavily on me right now. It doesn’t help that I’m PMS’ing. And recognizing that factor doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to make a difference.

TheGiant has been in extremely sporadic contact since Tuesday. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt because it does. I thought we had a good thing going, but I honestly think that he felt that he could have a relationship with someone without having to do any work. Of course, that isn’t the case. He was supposed to come by tonight. When I texted him yesterday to ask if I should still expect him, the answer was no. He was helping to move his friends today (something he’d told me a few weeks ago) and the move was now expected to take all day and … blah blah. I haven’t even heard from him. I wonder if I will at all again.

There haven’t been a lot of bites at POF, either. I think that whole “divorced” thing turns people off. I don’t really think that’s fair, but that’s how it is. The same way I don’t generally find Indian men attractive, I can’t expect that everyone will find divorcees attractive. To each their own and all that.

I went shopping today. I found a pair of pants at Value Village for $9. Then I headed to Old Navy, where I found out I’m a size 13 jean. That’s fine and well and good, except for the fact that Old Navy carries 12 and 14. The 12s are too tight, and the 14s are far too loose. And what’s the sense in buying the jeans and then paying the price over again to have them altered to fit? I did buy an orange sweater, because T. says I can pull off orange. And I bought a bright pink one, and two new camisoles to go underneath, and a pair of pants for work.

Then I walked down the mall to Reitmans, where I discovered that I hate their jeans with a passion. I zipped into Jacob Connexion on the way back to the doors, and in the back corner, I found an “Autumn” jacket on sale for $40 (marked down from $120). It’s navy blue with a cotton hood that comes off, and it’ll be the perfect alternative to my heavier leather coat and my denim jacket. And then off to see Carlo, who cut my hair slightly differently, giving me an updated look that isn’t quite so heavy around my face.

Then back home, where I talked with my landlord for a few minutes and he agreed to come up tomorrow and get rid of the stuff that he was supposed to get rid of Friday. All’s good. I don’t care when it gets done as long as it gets done.

And TLG called to say she’s been laid off. And the gym that’s right down the street? They’re closing it. So now I need to talk to someone about what’s left of my training sessions (about 17) and whether I have to pay more to use the other gym in Burlington – this is the one that I used to be a member of ages ago and left because it was kinda… uppity. But the rest of my gyms are back in the Hammer, and it sort of defeats the purpose of moving to B-town if I have to travel back into the Hammer to go to the gym.

I had posted on FB on Friday that I needed a hug. Sis responded with a wall post, as did Dad. And then Dad texted me every few hours. “hugs” “huggy huggy” “hug” – and even got his trainee to send me a message with “hug hug” on it. And he called Mom at home to tell her that I was having a bad day, so she called me. And then after I got home, she called again tonight to see if I was feeling better. It’s so wonderful of them to recognize now that I can’t always necessarily go it alone, and nor do I want to. There’s a difference, I think, between being self-sufficient and being . . . well, alone.

I would say today and last night that I was depressed. But I still don’t necessarily think I have a problem, per se. I think if I’d sat here all day by myself and done nothing, or slept, or not made an effort to go out and about, then I would have a problem. But recognizing that I needed to be in public, in the sunshine, and away from my lonely thoughts… I think that’s a good thing.

Now I’m going to go pick a good book off the bookshelf and read for a bit. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

It Just Won’t Quit

Today was a long day. A productive day, lots of work done, but a long one. Pretty met me at Ikea after work where we found stuff and bought stuff and then came home and realized that my closet space is even smaller than we thought, and Pretty had to take the clothes racks that I’d bought home with her so she could cut them shorter for me. So I have the posts, but no closet. I emptied the rest of the stuff out of the closet for now. I’m not sure what the Landlord is willing to take downstairs with him when he comes up tomorrow; I’m hoping that he’ll take the second air conditioner so I don’t have to store it up here, but I can find a place for it, eventually.

I bought some candles for the bedroom and I bought some candles for the bathroom. I also bought four new wine glasses and a new pillow. Just bits of things. And I still have $20 left on my Ikea gift card to spend.

TheGiant called this morning, to tell me he was on his way home because one of the boys was sick. He didn’t ask how I was, or anything like that, he just talked at me for five minutes. And I haven’t heard from him since. And I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. I’m taking it as silent sign that he wants an NSA relationship, and that’s fine. No, it’s not, well, but it is. It’s only been four weeks. And he’s a great guy, but so was the last NSA relationship I had, and I managed to bottle that up. It’ll be okay.

Tomorrow is Friday. And then I have the weekend off! Let’s see if TheGiant shows up. If not, meh. I’ll curl up in front of my fireplace with a book and just enjoy my new digs.

A Little More You.

Despite my questions and our talk yesterday, TheGiant has been incommunicado all day. Kinda says something, don’t you think? I won’t lie; I am disappointed. I think he’s a fantastic guy, but the lack of contact makes me crazy. TheEx and I never went a day without exchanging some form of communication – an email, a text, a phone call. I talk to Chicago every day, almost. T., Pretty, even Woodstock. And sometimes Johnny, though not so much lately. Even NJ. There are so many ways of keeping in touch these days, the fact that someone isn’t willing to put forth the effort and/or won’t make the time… Well, to me, that says something. And, though I know I quoted her last week, here are Woodstock’s thoughts again:

But just so you know, it’s not just you, you are not just crazy. Even if he hadn’t left a single thing in your apartment, he’s spent the night, he’s cooked in your kitchen, he’s walked around your place in (uh) very minimal and comfortable attire – he’s made himself at home. It isn’t a one-night thing, and it’s not a b00ty-call where someone does the walk of shame. He can call it whatever he wants, it is a relationship and that means that you have the right to figure out the parameters within which it exists. If those parameters are NSA, then that’s fine; you have the right to know and to question them.

See, that’s what I thought. But to have someone (albeit biased) who is removed from the situation say the same thing (in a more erudite fashion) says something.

Anyway, I posted an ad at POF. I’ve been contacted by five guys thus far. I’ve replied to three. I hate it. I hate POF with a passion. But it’s almost a necessary evil. Where do you meet someone, if not online? And I can’t help but feel that this whole thing with TheGiant is headed south. I think I’m just going to want more of him than he’s going to be able to give me. If he was a dick, then just sex would be fine. But the fact that he’s intelligent, witty, and a genuinely good guy makes him more. See – good guys really can finish last.

Onward. I was worried when I went into work today that there isn’t enough work to go around and that I needed to be concerned for my job. In the past three weeks, I’ve done twenty-four jobs. Over Monday and Tuesday – the days I was off – I received seventeen. Seventeen. Holy crap. Suddenly I’m not so worried. And the coworker is finally starting to seriously talk about redistributing the accounts. She’s too busy, and I’m not busy enough. Hopefully a new division of responsibilities will help us both out.

Oh, and last night, I had a dream. It was after 2:30, because that’s what time I woke up and turned on the heater in the living room. (In other news, the Landlord has fixed the fireplace. And he’s letting me pick out the flooring. And he’s apologized about six times for the “inconvenience”. Dude, seriously? A shower that was clogged for ten minutes and a fireplace that hasn’t functioned for like three days? You have no idea what I’ve come from!)

Where was I? Oh yeah. So I woke up, and I realized I’d been having a bad dream, and someone in my dream had called for Mummmmmmy! in a whiny, scared, want-my-mama voice. I lay there, thinking. I wondered if there was a kid in my apartment. Not likely. I then wondered if perhaps I had yelled Mummmmmy! in my sleep and woken myself up. I’ve talked in my sleep before; this wouldn’t be a stretch. Then I realized it was Nephew2. It must’ve been. And with that thought, I fell back to sleep.

When I remembered the occurrence this morning at work, I texted Sis and asked if Nephew2 had called for her in the night. She said no…. it was Nephew3. I said to her, “He was scared, he had a bad dream.” She said, “Yep”, and that was that. So now I can hear Nephew3’s calls for his mom? Yeesh.

Okay. Time to go heat up my corn bag.

Break on Through (to the other side)

I am fighting with my thermostat. I have everything set to over 20 degrees, and it’s set at 18 right now, and the heat hasn’t come on. I don’t understand why. I could see why earlier – the “night” portion was set at 15, showing that obviously the guy who lived here before me liked sleeping in an icebox. Fifteen is fine in the summer when it’s a bit humid, fifteen is not fine in the winter when it’s goddamned cold outside.

Anyway. I’m sitting here wrapped up in two blankets and two pairs of socks, which really isn’t so far from what would be happening at the old apartment that it bothers me here. I’ll straighten out the thermostat thing with the Landlord.

TheGiant was supposed to come over tonight for dinner. Then he wasn’t. Then I made plans with T., because I was pissed off and frustrated with TheGiant. Then he texted me back and said he could come. Then I was pissed off again, but still wanted to see him, because I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to ask about what he wanted from me. What did he want / expect / what was he looking for?

His intelligent response was “I don’t know” followed by “It’s only been four weeks!” followed by “I don’t know / I don’t have time / I’m stressed out!” I told him I wasn’t pressuring him. I don’t care enough yet – lie – that I’m going to be hurt by what he says, but I need to know what he wants from me. I said at one point, “I told you I was afraid I’d end up caring too much about you.” And his response? “And that’s fine.” Bull-fucking-shit it’s fine. It might be fine for him but it’s not fine for me.

He can’t give me an answer. And he picked at and irritated me all night. Don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy his company because he challenges me. But I told him tonight that he doesn’t want to make me mad, because I’ll kick him out and just refuse to take his calls from now on. He said, “You’d do that? Seriously? If I just made you mad?” And I looked at him and said, “It’s only been four weeks. I’m not invested enough in you yet.” I think that set him back a pace.

Anyway. I’m putting an ad up on POF tonight. What the hell do I have to lose? I’m seeing this guy approximately once every week, and I still have evenings free and I’m not sitting around and moping, waiting for him to call. That’s dumb and I’m worth more. Frankly, that’a a reason to break up with him right there. But I do enjoy his company and I’m not willing to throw it away yet. Maybe my being a bit more detached will bring him a bit closer. Or he’ll just pick at me and I’ll be irritated and that’ll be that.

Indigo has decided tonight that he wants to freak out about moving. He won’t stop squawking and flying from room to room. This is what he did when I moved into the other apartment, too.

Argh. TheGiant irritates me. I have yet to decide… See, I think it’s a good thing, because TheEx never did that. Never engaged me in that way. But I am not one to suffer just being prodded and poked until I’m in a bad mood.

So Much Cooler Online

I have internet again. Woohoo! The Landlord brought me up a brand new cable that just barely stretches past the loveseat and around the corner to plug into the computer. But it doesn’t matter, because it does stretch.

I didn’t accomplish much today, but I’m okay with that. I slept late, sat around and did nothing, and then got myself showered and dressed because TheGiant said he might come by. I wasn’t in the least bit surprised when he didn’t show up. In fact, I texted him this morning and asked if my friends had scared him away. He called me and gave me grief for the fact that I was bugging him about being incommunicado for a day. Well, fuck.

Anyway, he said he’d come by. I mentally reviewed what he said he was going to do today, and figured I wouldn’t see him. And I didn’t. He texted to say he wouldn’t be able to make it, but that he’d come by tomorrow after work. I didn’t bother to respond. All right, all right, normally I would, but really, why bother? It wasn’t going to change anything.

A few hours later, he calls me again to ask why I didn’t answer his text. Well, duh. “That’s not the Blue I know”, he said. And (as above), he is correct. But I’m done with the chasing. I told Pretty she has to help me. I have to just consider him an NSA relationship, because he doesn’t have the time to pursue a real relationship. Frankly, I have more time than he does, and that’s saying something.

I did get my laundry done. Yep, all the way back into Hamilton for that. But I love my laundromat, so… And then I went back to the old apartment and took one last walk-through, checked every cupboard and every closet. Nothin’. We left the place pretty damn empty. I left the keys for the mailbox, the apartment, and the utility room in the office. Actually, I pushed them through the slot, and I heard all three of them ping off the floor. Whatever. Not my problem anymore.

I was planning to go to St. Jacob’s tomorrow and I called up north about something else… Now Mom is joining me. That’ll be nice. I’m cooking for TheGiant tomorrow night, and I need to do some groceries anyway, so why not go up and see what the Market has to offer? I was going to go Saturday, but I also expected I’d be really freakin’ busy cleaning and organizing my apartment over the past few days, and frankly, my friends did it all for me.

Anyway, I need to check my bank balance (yikes!) and get some sleep. I have to get up early, run the garbage and the last of the recycling over to CM, and head out. Busy day!

Bawitaba

I still have no internet. The cable is here, but it doesn’t reach to the pc. The landlord said he’d try to find a bigger cable tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be online tomorrow night.

I am, however, hooked up with cable. I’ve had the TV on for the past four hours, which is exactly why I never had cable before. It’s evil, I tell you.

I woke up around seven this morning, after sleeping the night through. I dozed until eight and fell back asleep then until nine when T. emailed me and ensured I was awake for a tea run. I spent the next few hours emptying boxes.

Surprisingly, almost everything found a home. My apartment looks like a home. I was worried about the kitchen, but really, the cupboards are very deep and the shelf is standing up well to the dishes being on it. I’ve moved the living room furniture twice and I’m sure I’ll move it again. I took my red curtains and hung them at the closet with my old shower rod.

I spent over one hundred dollars at Walmart and realized I forgot a bag that had Windex and Tilex in it. Argh. I’ll try calling them, but I have no interest in running back to Walmart for $7 worth of cleaning supplies.

The Landlord bought me a new pantry and I’ve stocked it with all my food, my wineglasses, and my corningware. Frankly, I still have room in the pantry and in the cupboards so I could probably theoretically get rid of my wobbly shelf but I like my wobbly shelf…

I’m still learning how to program my thermostat and I need my ceiling fan mounted, but all in all, I’m satisfied with what was accomplished this weekend. I need to do laundry and groceries over the next few days, but as I’m not working ’til Wednesday, I have plenty of time.

…I haven’t heard from TheGiant all day. I am trying to keep it as casual as he clearly is. I’m back to thinking of it as an NSA relationship. I know his life is busy, but if he was really interested, he’d make time to see me, hmm? I guess that sounds snobby.

Onwards. Tomorrow is another day.

Movin’ on Up

I’m laying in bed, in my new apartment. My computer is on the desk in my “office” (read: closet) but I have no internet access yet and frankly, I’m tired of being upright, so I’m writing from my ‘berry.

The move went surprisingly well. TheGiant showed up a bit late, but we still got the truck on time. A hiccup when the girl from Ryder called me to say she still had my license and credit card… Pretty picked up my old high school friend, and Creep and the g/f and they were there around 8:30. TheGiant and I had just finished loading the mattress and box spring ourselves.

TheGiant didn’t come to B-town with us, but he stayed to ensure that the truck was packed completely before he went back to his boys.

T. showed up a bit later, and decided that my microwave was unsuitable for moving and so was my computer chair. So on the way to the new place, she went and bought me a brand-new stainless steel microwave and a new chair. Talk about amazing and unexpected!

Everything made it into the apartment with the exception of the hutch that Mom didn’t like anyway. That stayed in the truck, and went to Value Village. There simply wasn’t room for it.

AM1 came by and helped to organize my kitchen. Her merchandising skills came in handy and that was awesome. I have a lot to put away still, but Pretty kept everyone moving and so much got done, I can’t believe it. The bathroom is completely unpacked. So is most of the bedroom. TheEx came by for a while and visited and hung curtains. The furniture is in place in the living room. Everyone hauled ass today on my behalf, and pizza and beer seems like such a cheap way to pay them.

I had a shower, though, and the stall flooded with water. The landlord called me, because water dripped on his fridge. He came right up and fixed it, which is a good sign. The pantry is coming up tomorrow, and he’s going to hang my ceiling fan too. And I can ask about the computer access and electrical outlets at that time.

All right, I’m tired and cosy and need some sleep. I’m here. The new chapter has begun.

No Time Left For You

Ninety-five percent of my belongings are in boxes. I’ve finished packing as much as I can, I think. I have the PC still to do (obviously), but that’s it. I’ll put the DVD player in with the PC. The bathroom is all packed. The kitchen. Bedroom.

Today was an exercise in stupidity. I got to work, called the Doc, and waited for a callback on the whole penicillin problem. When T. came online last night, she told me that she had a lump in her throat and it was hard to swallow. I rofl’ed, and advised her to read the blog. She couldn’t believe it. This only goes to show something I’ve always privately thought – she’ll know when I die. Not that I expect that to be tomorrow, but ya know… I’ll be that person who gets lost while camping or something and my psychic friend will go to the police and tell them I’m by the big tree near the boulder in the middle of the creek. lol.

T. and I were supposed to go to dinner, but she cancelled. I called Sis, who is in town for my second cousin’s birthday party. So I took her and the boys to dinner tonight. It was a good time. I’m glad I had a “backup” plan. Nephew3 eats jello in such a hilarious way. Both hands to his mouth, holding on to it like it’s gold. Like if he doesn’t, it’s going to vanish on him. And every time he picked up a piece, he’d laugh and say, “it wiggles!” I swear, if you could bottle that cuteness…

I have to take a shower and then pack up the shower supplies in the open bathroom box. And then I can go to bed. I think. And get up around 6:30. Gawd. If I was smart, I’d get up super-early and take Indigo over to B-town ahead of time. He’s just going to annoy people here. But I kinda want him around. He’s my security bird.

I hope I have things ready enough. There’s nothing more annoying than a person who isn’t ready to move. I hope I’ve done as much as my movers expect.

I’m sad to be leaving. Tonight the Upstairsian is out,  so it’s nice and quiet. I’ve had a hot shower every morning this week. Granted, I’ve been working so much I’ve barely been here. And the moving boxes cover the ugly linoleum, and I haven’t had to deal with the stove that has a burner out or the leaking ceiling in the bathroom… I’m trading a bigger, worse space for a smaller, more convenient space. I hope I don’t regret it.

But I do miss the apartment already. This was the first place that … well, let me figure out how to be me. Who I was. The first place that I decorated entirely on my own. The first place that was mine, entirely mine. And I’m leaving it. But as Pretty says, on to bigger and better things for me. And it’s only a space. Only a place. It doesn’t change who I am, though it certainly changed who I was.

I don’t know when internet access is going to reappear, so I might be relying on my Blackberry for a bit (seriously, the best decision ever). 

… I’ll see you on the other side.