Hard on Equipment

I’m going to do what I used to do to Woodstock, and give my blog in point form tonight, because I think I lack the braincells to type it out…

Damn. I can’t find the bullet tag. ROFL. I really am tired. Wait, there it is!

• Chicago emailed Grammar through FB and told him what a twat he was. But he did it in a manly, wonderful way that brought tears to my eyes. I am lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
• The Owner came in to CM tonight with a load of junk, and instead of feeling overwhelmed, I handled it. I answered her questions about the budget and where we were at, and as she scrutinized me, I didn’t flinch. Then she commented on how great I looked, and she left.
• HighSchoolGuy called me beautiful last night, and told me he had a crush on me back in the day. For some reason, that made my night.
• I did six sets of leg cranks tonight. I wanted to do them in half an hour, but it took me 36 minutes. I’m still pretty happy. I will not be able to walk tomorrow, and Chicago will be able to laugh at me because my ass will hurt.

Jesus, I am so tired. I think I’m going to die. I’m drinking a protein shake just as fast as I can, but it’s … it’s like I’m in slo-mo.

The last few days I’ve had trouble concentrating. I think it’s because there’s so much running around in my brain… all this work, and Grammar, and going up north again this weekend. Mud’s visit. Trying to stay fit, and being constantly distracted by how awesome my legs are beginning to look. lol. See? My brain is fried. I think it’s a good thing I’m on vacation in a few weeks, and that this weekend is a long weekend. All hail the Civic Holiday!

Blue Collar Suicide

Is that what I’m doing? Committing blue collar suicide? Working my ass off fifty hours a week, fifty-five, so I can “enjoy” life later and getting screwed over now, during the best years of my life? I don’t know.

Hell was hell today. It wasn’t as busy. I invented stuff yesterday; I even filed. There wasn’t much to invent today. I was busy until about noon, but after that, things slowed down. Oh well. At least I have a job.

CM was busy. I re-did a wall. Well, the teenager helped, a lot. But AM2 said she knew she’d come in tomorrow morning and it would be all beautiful and damn it, I hate that, because it puts the pressure on me to actually get it done.

Otherwise, life is quiet. I pulled out food for lunch and dinner tomorrow night (leftover stew and some frozen thing that I think is a chicken bowl). I went for a jog with TLG again. I was going to come home and do leg cranks, but I know for sure that if I did leg cranks tonight, I wouldn’t do anything tomorrow. So I’m better off coming home and doing the leg cranks tomorrow (6 sets – can I do it?) than doing both tonight and nothing tomorrow.

God, this is a self-absorbed entry, isn’t it. I wish there was more going on, but there isn’t. I emailed my friend again on FB about Grammar. She said she would see what she can do. That’s what I was hoping she’d say. I actually miss his damned friendship. Jerk.

Ghosts N Stuff

I just got off the phone with Mud. He was telling me a story about how he needed to clean out his dryer hose, because it was starting to leak lint out the sides of the hose near the dryer. The problem is that his laundry room – like many in the South – is the “tornado shelter” room in the middle of the house with no external walls. So his dryer hose runs under the kitchen floor and out the side of the house. To clean it – I cracked up here – he taped his leaf blower to the hose and turned it on full throttle, then went outside to watch the lint slam into his neighbour’s house at fifty miles an hour. That’s something only a man would think of doing, but what an ingenius way to clean the hose, hmm?

I went to AM1’s house tonight. There’s something there, something that makes you feel like there’s something standing behind you. I kicked around there for about an hour and a half or two hours. We talked for a bit, she showed me her photo albums from her marriages and her son’s baby pictures. The rent that she pays for her entire half of a house is just $25 more than I pay for my tiny little apartment. And while she does live in a nice area, in a nice town, I would not want MY ceiling falling apart… They had to move the bed in the master bedroom because there are so many leaks in the ceiling. Leaks in the ceiling. Okay, okay, so my bathroom was leaking. But I don’t have plaster falling in my bedroom.

Anyway, it was good to see her. I wore my crystal necklace, the bracelet that T. got for me, and my stones. I also wrapped T.’s sweater around my waist. And at the top of the stairs, looking downstairs, I felt a bit of vertigo. It’s an awkward place, right there, and I can’t really explain why. It’s not level to me, but I couldn’t explain it further. What surprised me is that neither of her cats seems to give any indication that there’s anything wrong. The window that is at the top of the stairs overlooks the Armouries. I don’t know how old the building is, but when she told me what the building was, my first reaction was, ooooohhhh!

Today was just a miserable day, other than those two things. Hell was hellish. Not for any particular reason, just that I woke up with a splitting headache and cramps. After taking my nasal spray, eating toast for breakfast, and downing an Excedrin Migraine, the headache finally went away. But the shit feeling just never left, until just now when I finished talking to Mud. Ahh. And no, I didn’t harass him about the fact we haven’t spoken in a week. I’m trying to grow up!

Now if only Grammar would return my calls….

Oh, and I wanted to comment on how cool I thought it was that Obama is going to have Crowley and Gates over to the White House for a beer. I can’t tell you exactly why that tickles me, but it does. Something about the concept of the White House being used for something so informal and relaxed as a beer among some buddies to chat about a problem. . . Not whiskey or red wine… just beer!

No Love Songs

So play me something about drinkin’, one about cheatin’, a few about losin’, lyin’ and a-leavin’
Something where somebody did somebody wrong, and play it all night long
But don’t play me no lo oh oh ove song
Don’t play me no love song.

Aw, it’s not that bad. I’m just tired. This is the first time I’ve had all day to just sit and do nothing. And I can slowly feel myself sinking into my chair. Granted, I think I’m sticking to it at the same time, so it’s kinda gross… lol. I went jogging down at the beach tonight with TLG. We jog/walked. She walks and jogs faster than I do, so the fact that she couldn’t jog as long as me didn’t matter… We pushed each other, and it was good. I’m fat and she smokes, so it kinda balanced out.

The Landlord has fixed my leaky roof. The light fixture in my bathroom was leaking. Anyway, he was going to wait for the roofers to fix it, but decided perhaps he should just get on it. So apparently the roof will no longer leak and leave a rust stain on my new white bathmat.

I’m exchanging IM’s with a guy from FB right now. If I wasn’t seeing Mud, I would be interested in meeting up with this guy. But I’m not interested in ruining a really good thing for a potentially good thing. Even if he is way cuter than he ever was in high school.

Anyway, I’m tired, and I wanted to do a few more things before I go to bed. It’s gonna be a helluva long week….

Toes

I got my toes in the water
ass in the sand
not a worry in the world
a cold beer in my hand
life is good t’day

I wasn’t gonna blog, because I’m damn tired and I want to go to bed. But here I am anyway, because I didn’t blog the last few days.

Friday night I had to work. I had hoped to have an easy night at CM, but that wasn’t the case. I had to finish receiving a transfer and then price product after product after product. AM2 acknowledged the hard work I’d done on Saturday; she had to go in for a few hours to cover a shift and realized almost everything had been priced and put up, meaning we’d worked our butts off on Friday night. And we did. I worked with the teenager, and she simply wasn’t in the mood to work (it took her over half an hour to take the cardboard out to the recycling bin. really??).

Anyway. Pretty was here by 7:30 on Saturday morning and we headed up north. We were there by about 10:45, which was really good time. Mom was on her way out to an auction, so Pretty and I tagged along. Despite two umbrellas and sweatshirts for all, we were soaking, sopping, wring-us-out wet by the time we got back to the house around 2p.m.. The auction was outside. Everything we bought was soaked. The auctioneer was soaked. Mom was shivering, she was so wet. I was trying to stand close enough to share my body heat. Luckily, I wasn’t cold, and somehow, I stayed dryer than the other two. But I was wearing shorts, and I have five bugbites on one thigh. Then there are the bites on my other calf, on my feet (flipflops), and on my arms. Ugh.

I finally gave up; Pretty went to get the car and move it closer. Mom went to pay. I started carrying the three boxes we’d bought to the car. Pretty offered to help, but it was just dumb for two people to get wetter. Between the three of us, we spent all of $53. I bought a knitted afghan ($2), a set of three pitchers (we each kept one – total cost $5), and a box of glasses ($5)… oh, and Quacky, who is a wooden carved duck ($10).

Pretty bought a box of books, got one of the pitchers, and a frame. Mom bought a whole box of kitchen stuff and another carved duck for grandma. Anyway, it was successful, and fun as hell!

Sis came by last night, and we all had dinner together. She was – admittedly – hung over, but Christ. Some days she’s just in such an argumentative mood. We were talking about books after dinner, and I mentioned to Pretty that I’d finished with her John Grisham novels. Sis’s first words were, “Ugh! Why do you read that crap?!” Not, “I don’t enjoy his writing, what do you like about it?” I tried to explain to her the difference between the two and how what she said was offensive. Then Pretty tried, too. But Sis just didn’t get it. I just remember T. telling me once it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. So I’m very aware of that. And it wasn’t first time Sis had done it – or has ever done it.

Pretty is watching what she eats, because she’s losing weight like … well, like crazy. So I specifically asked Sis not to harass Pretty about what she was and wasn’t eating. But she did. “So steak is on the list, huh? But yellow beans aren’t? So you’re telling me you can have that much steak? And you’re allowed steak with salt but not steak spice? Uh huh…” It was just very insulting. If she was curious about the diet, she could have asked in a much nicer, much less irritating manner. But then she wouldn’t be Sis.

Anyway. We came home today, and Pretty drove. TheEx came by to help me trim Indigo’s nails, and I bought us Mickey D’s for dinner. I’ve got chicken in the crockpot for this week, and I’ve got soup from Mom for the rest of the week, too. I intend to go back up north on Saturday morning, and I think Pretty is seriously considering coming with me. It’s really nice up there, and I honestly am so grateful that my parents are such wonderful, open, welcoming people. They have their faults, but I’m so glad that they are my parents, when compared to those of my friends’.

Anyway. It’s now 10p.m. and I’m tired. I cut my shower curtain down to size, I tried to fix my broken blind (and failed), and I took the garbage out. I did the dishes and hunted everywhere for my facial wash and I can’t find it and it’s making me angry…. Grrrr! Agh. Can’t do anything about it right now. It’ll pop up eventually.

Tomorrow is another day.

She’s Got Legs

I heard Chicago’s voice in my head tonight, telling me to go to Body Combat because it would make my butt look better than it does already. It always takes a little extra to make me go to Body Combat on Thursday nights; the week is almost over and I’m lacking motivation by now.

I’m noticing a huge difference in my thighs lately. They’re still fat in the “inner thigh” area, but the rest of them are getting extremely muscled, and I’m quite happy with that. Not that I want giant thighs, but they seem to be a relatively easy muscle for me to develop. Anyway, I’m pleased with what I’m accomplishing.

On my way home tonight, I stopped at Subway to grab a sandwich for dinner. There were three cruisers in the parking lot, and one cop wearing camo and a bullet-proof vest. Weird, I thought. I talked to the lady at Subway, and she said they’d been in, asking if she’d seen someone in particular. The cops left while my sandwich was bagged. I went home the “back way”, down a side street, figuring I might run into the officers. Not so much… they were all on my street! At the height of it, there were six cruisers – five marked and one unmarked – and a black van with blacked-out windows at the end of the street. I watched them for forty-five minutes, until they’d all left, basically one after the other. No idea what they were up to; I’ll have to check the paper tomorrow to see if there’s anything in there.

I’ve finally finished Jane Eyre, and I loved it. I don’t know what took me so long to pick it up in the first place; probably the fact that I disliked Wuthering Heights so I figured I wouldn’t like another Bronte work. Perhaps I’m just older now, but the story was quite good. Sure, it was a little long-winded at times, but you must remember, it was the era of long novels.

T. emailed me today to see if I would consider going back to the Little Man’s office. I told her I would certainly hear him out if he wanted to make an offer. I have no objection to going back, but I’m relatively happy at Hell right now. The Boss advised us all the other day that while the company is losing money, they don’t intend to cut more jobs from our department. So we’re safe, for now. That’s good news. On the other hand, not entertaining a potential employment offer is rather stupid. So if he calls, I’ll definitely listen.

I went to the bank today and finally got my MC straightened out. They had me listed with an address in Saskatoon. No freakin’ wonder it’s been harder than hell trying to get anything done. They had the wrong address, they’d never received my request for a name change (?!?) and so forth. Anyway, after forty-five minutes, I think it’s all straightened out. At the very least, I have access to my online account information again. That’s very helpful.

No word from Grammar. I called him today and left a message, asking him to let me know that he got my FB email. I’m a bit concerned; AM2 would say it’s unwarranted. But he hasn’t posted on FB at all. He hasn’t updated his status since Monday. And he hasn’t returned my calls or my FB email. He could just be ignoring me, but the continued silence actually has me concerned – perhaps stupidly – about his well-being.

Let’s Get Drunk and Fight

I like Aaron Lines, I really do. But I swear, every song I hear him sing sounds like “Let’s Get Drunk and Fight.” Every single one. I’m sure it’s not intentional, but he needs a co-writer.

Anyway. Today was a long day. It started at Hell with a note from The Boss on my desk asking for an explanation as to why something was the way it was. There’s nothing worse than coming in bleary-eyed, having been out of bed for less than an hour, and trying to immediately get the ducks in a row. I managed it, and came up with an excellent response (I think). She was quite pleased within an hour or so.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same – one problem after another, including my coworker sniping at me for something. I think sometimes she thinks that she’s the only one who works. But if I ask to help her, she refuses. WTF? Anyway. That’s neither here nor there, and tomorrow is another day.

At CM, AM2 had kindly torn down half a wall for me and wanted me to put it back up. I knew it was coming, I had been expecting to do it Monday night. I had expected assistance. I got none. I was working with the new girl – Preggers. We traded AM1 to one of the other locations for Preggers. I believe this was done to keep AM2 happy and things flowing smoothly at the other store. Anyway. Preggers did a few simple things around the store while I tackled one of the hardest merchandising sections. It was good in that I got to work alone, and was occupied for four hours straight. It was a pain in the ass in that I did it alone. Does that make sense?

I was supposed to meet TLG for a jog after work. We met briefly Monday night for a walk, but she couldn’t jog because she had a booty call and didn’t want to get all sweaty. When I left work tonight, it was raining. Just as well, I wasn’t in the mood for company. I headed to the gym and jogged for 25 minutes straight at 4.5. That’s a 13.19minute mile. I was watching women’s soccer on Sportsnet, and watching those thin athletes sprint around the field for half an hour was a lot of impetus to keep going.

I have also managed to pay off my government student loans. I was really proud tonight when, with the click of the mouse, I made more debt disappear. We aren’t talking about Grammar right now, nor are we talking about my new tax debt. Baby steps. So that leaves me with only my CIBC student loans. Bit by bit, I’m digging myself out of the hole.

Take the Money and Run

I have not heard from Grammar. I left him about three voicemails today and called him far more often than that. I think his phone was turned off, because it only ever rang once… until I called him around 8 and it rang and rang and rang before his voicemail picked up. I asked him to please just call me, but I’ve yet to hear from him.

Chicago has offered to beat the holy hell out of him. Pretty has offered to drive to his hometown – without knowing where he lives – and stalk him. T. has offered to “call the people she knows” – and I’m only half-afraid that she’s kidding. My mom has offered to call him, and offered my father’s assistance with sending him an email. AM2 offered to call him as well. I sent Grammar an email on FB this evening – just not – and asked him just to call me. I told him that I figured he didn’t have the money, and that was okay. We could work out a payment plan. That I was not angry about him owing me the money, that I was more angry he was not talking to me about it.

Anyway. That makes me really sad. My heart is really heavy that someone would betray my trust like that. Money is money, in the end, but we all know I’m a little fucked up when it comes to cash. Still. Just be honest…

The presentations took place at Hell today. We each did our twenty-minute session, and then HR spoke for a few minutes and so did The Boss. It was informative, and not as big of a waste of time as I thought it would be. And surprisingly, it was over in about three and a half hours, which was plenty long enough. We learned a bit more about each other’s jobs and the way HR functions, and how our end of the year reviews are handled. That was really useful. No one had ever explained it before.

Otherwise, I didn’t do anything tonight. It felt good, but extremely sinful. By the time I got home, I had a headache, which I attributed to squinting at the projection on the wall all afternoon (is it time to get my eyes checked again?). I lay down for a bit, and just never really got back up. By the time I did at 8:30, I was starving, having not had any protein all day. Needless to say, I never made it to Body Combat. Thursday is another day. I guess today was my “day off” from the gym this week. I’ve been feeling a bit better about myself, having been to the gym four times last week, and I think that’s having an effect on the way I’m seeing myself. The extra compliments about my appearance lately haven’t hurt. Bit by bit, I’ll get to where I want to be.

Anyway, it’s late, time to hit the sack.

Ferry Cross the Mersey

I feel a bit like I’ve been on a ferry, going back and forth and back and forth without ever actually getting anywhere. Take me there… the place I love. I don’t know where that is right now.

It was a typical Sunday, as you can tell.

I sorted my laundry and changed the bed and got everything into my laundry bags, but I never got around to doing the laundry. I just didn’t feel like it. I should’ve gotten out, but oh well.

Instead, I took a two-hour nap. It felt just as good as yesterday’s nap. I also cleaned out my trunk; I threw out a bunch of photos, some cards I’d saved from TheEx, and old picture frames. I have a whole stack of frames, now I just need photos to put into them. And a place to put them. That might be the sticking point. My walls are already pretty full of stuff. We’ll see. For the moment, I’ve emptied out the frames and put them in the trunk neatly, and organized some of the other items. I also threw out all my old portfolio stuff from the steel factory. No one is going to be the least bit interested in things I wrote fifteen years ago; it simply isn’t relevant anymore.

Then I attacked my closet area and tidied it up a bit, too. I’d like to buy some of those space bags, the ones that you stuff full and then vacuum the air out of. I have three blankets, plus a comforter, that I don’t use all that often. I use the duvet, so even if I left out the duvet and one blanket, I could still put away some of it and throw it under the bed in a smaller, more tidy package.

Mom called, she was asking about Grammar and the money he owes me. He still hasn’t paid me back. According to him, he got stuck in the US all weekend long. Is that a possibility? I don’t know. I know that with things sort of awkward between him and the Princess, I can see how he might’ve jumped at the opportunity. Anyway, he’s supposed to pay me back tomorrow, according to FB. Chicago, AM2, and my mother have all volunteered their services if he doesn’t. Ha ha. Actually, I shouldn’t laugh. It’s very sweet that so many people care about me!

I haven’t talked to Mud since last week. I tried calling him tonight after we texted back and forth, but I got his voicemail. I’m still okay with that. I’m remembering that he’s coming here, to see me. He’s flying up here. Sometimes you can ignore the fact that there are no little gestures when there are big gestures.

Otherwise, not much else is new. I’m not tired (thanks nap!) but I think I’m going to go to bed anyway. Sis is having a lot of dreams, lately, and it’s translating into dreams for me. She is apparently kind of wound up, and I’m having a hard time separating my existing anxiety about Grammar, so I can’t tell if I’m upset because she’s upset or whether I’m just upset about Grammar. I truly believe that we’re all joined together and the closer we are, the more we can “feel” each other. T. proves that time and time again.

Anyway, I’m off to bed. Nice clean sheets, there’s nothing better than a freshly-made bed! … unless it’s a freshly showered man to share the freshly made bed!

Rhythm of My Heart

Mud texted me last night to wish me a good weekend, and then he answered a text of mine this afternoon. I think he got the point last time I freaked out because I hadn’t heard from him.

I went to work this morning, with sore legs. My right knee is aching, and has been since about noon. I don’t know why, perhaps I have a bit of arthritis in it. I’ll have to pay particular attention to my lunges next time to ensure my knees aren’t extending over my feet, but I’m pretty careful about that already. Sis advised on FB that she might challenge me to a leg crank contest. Because, according to her, the ehow video on how to do them looks easy. I would like to express my anger and frustration at that. Really?? Because I’ve been working out for years now, and you’ve lost a bunch of weight, yes, but you don’t exercise regularly. But surely watching an ehow video makes you an expert on how to do this exercise that kicks my ass.

It just makes me angry that she thinks that parts of my life are so easy. Her completely flippant response says a lot to me about how she views my achievements. Argh. It’s just making me angry.

I texted Grammar this morning on my way to work and asked when I’d see him. He advised he was still in the US but would let me know when he got back. And then he didn’t. And I texted him twice since then. I haven’t heard from him. I’m so very bitterly disappointed. I quite literally do not have the money to cover this debt; I just got my income tax statement back and that’s another grand that I owe. I can handle that, I have no choice, of course. But I cannot handle covering Grammar’s money, too. I was supposed to get the money today. *sigh* I guarantee I’ll spend the night alternately restless and not sleeping because of this.

Pretty came over tonight and we read tarot cards. Hers were dead-accurate, mine were so-so. She’s very focused on one part of her life right now, so that makes sense to me. I’m a little more wishy-washy about what I want and what lengths I’m prepared to go to to get it.