Blue Star above me,
when shadows lengthen and the dark looms ever closer,
turn on your shine and hold me near.
Okay, is there any point in me trying to pretend I don’t love this guy? Even when he’s being a dork, I still ache to be with him. Even when he’s being rude and abrasive, I still respect him. And when he is like he was tonight – sarcastic, funny, interested in what I have to say – I freaking love the crap out of him.
I also told him about my pills tonight. Perhaps I shouldn’t have, perhaps it’s too soon, I don’t know. But I felt funny about not telling him. And he brought up Sunday’s conversation, so I told him that it wasn’t completely my fault. And I explained about the medication and the switch this past weekend, and so on. He took it very well and didn’t ask questions. I compare Mud to myself sometimes, because we’re both Pisces, and I know that’s a risky venture. But I wouldn’t ask someone else about it, either, unless they volunteered the information. But he didn’t seem put off by it in any way. I’m sure he has questions, but he likely won’t ask them.
We talked for an hour – I called him. I need a new calling card, and I know I only had about 120 minutes on the card, and I’d like to put off a new card for a bit, so I didn’t want to talk forever. And frankly, talking two and three hours at a time every time is too much. I’m going to try to keep the calls shorter. I don’t expect I’ll hear from him until Tuesday, as he’s got the long weekend coming up. Unlike Chicago, Mud is off Monday instead of Friday.
Anyway. What else happened today? Oh, I found the above lyrics accompanying a BBC photograph, and I had to search them out. They’re lyrics to some Anime series, but I don’t care. I love those lines, because that’s what depression is like. When shadows lengthen and dark looms ever closer….
There’s a new guy at Candy Mountain. What shall we call him? Rico. For Rico Suave. He’s not smooth and irritating, but he dresses well. He’s 25, a college and university grad. He’s fascinated by Japan, has an older sister, and speaks Polish. He’s clever and witty, and … AM2 was right, I could be smitten. . . if all the qualities that I admired in Rico weren’t already present in someone else… And c’mon, he’s only 25. Practically an amoeba compared to me. Much better than TheGuy, in my personal opinion. He and I work alone together twice next week, so we’ll have to see how it turns out.
Anyway, it’s now close to midnight, and though I’m on a Mud high, I need some sleep. I did go to the gym tonight, and got in my half hour of cardio. I did five minutes warmup, ten minutes of jogging at 4.5, two minutes of walking, and then jogged the rest. I was quite proud of myself. And not even a headache to show for my troubles. Woohoo!
My “official” comments:
So you start the entry with talk of love of Mud, and 3/4 the way through ae possibly smitten over a newbie at work….interesting….Oh and 25 is so far from your age, not!
After re-reading this entry I stand by my comments and here is why. You know this guy, you have known him for sometime. In the past you had talked with him about taking the friendship to a romantic relationship status, but he refused since you were still married. A noble gesture. So he obviously knows you have had a crush on him for some time. Telling him you have feelings, not madly deeply in love with him, but some strong feelings that you really like having, I think that would be acceptable. You say in a more recent entry he got a passport and airline tickets for the sole purpose of coming to see you. I doubt a man normally spends that kind of money or goes through that kind of trouble just for a piece of ass. He obviously has some strong feelings for you. Maybe not love, but it is certainly more than like.
I would wait a bit to let the news of the pills settle in and then let a little of how you feel out. Like another of your friends have said, you need to communicate your feelings and thoughts more. You need to talk more. You two have a long history, maybe not long romantic history, but a history none the less.
Don’t call him up and confess all this to him tonight. This is my opinion, and you have other’s that you rely on for advice, let majority rule or make your own mature decision and accept the consequences for that decision, whatever they may be good or bad. And then again, what is the rush? You have nothing pressuring you to be married or anything. You have no million dollar inheritance waiting for you once you confess your love or get married or anything. You can always just take your time and let things happen when they happen. With that in mind sit back with a tall glass of sweet tea, sit on your porch and watch the world go by. Sit and ponder for a bit, do as Mud would do in his native southern way of thinking.
Now, I was once told by someone 10 years my senior, “thou shalt never say the ‘L’ word before 6 weeks time”. That quote came from my brother. He was married 9 years and when he and his wife got bored with each other, they got divorced. So you say why is this good advice? It is when you read into it. It means to take your time, not get caught up in the moment of a new relationship and make sure you really mean what you are about to say to that person. I don’t think that you can put a specific time frame on when to say it but I beleive the point is made.
So you say, I have spoken in circles…yes I have, read my advice and comments again and sit on that porch and ponder them and others and in the end make up your own mind and do what feels right for you, Mud, the situation, the occassion.