Good Fish, Bad Fish.

You tell me cuz I don’t know
How we are or where we go from here
I can’t read your mind
Is everything okay
Oh don’t ask me, I don’t know what to say
You tell me
What comes next
What I can and can’t expect from you
Is there somethin we can mend
What will the story be
Oh you’ve got all the answers that I need

I tried to tell T. once that every country song is about life, and it’s so very true. There’s a country song for everything. In this case, I just like the song. It’s a new one, a duet with Terri Clark and Johnny Reid. Have no fear, Mud and I are doing okay, as far as I know. But the sentiment is still relevant, no matter what.

I called Mud tonight, and talked to him for about half an hour. I want to institute some shorter, just “hello” types of calls. Not hours and hours, but just little bits and pieces so we can get more comfortable with each other, and get more used to each other and discussing our days. If I don’t hear from him Wednesday, I’ll call him. And so on.

I told him that my vacation is pending approval, which The Supervisor said he’d provide tomorrow. Mud said he’d get on it and book a flight, and asked how much input I wanted. I told him the details were up to him. The clear, unspoken message was you decide how long you want to stay.

The rest of my day was typical. I got yelled at at Hell before 10 a.m. rolled around. That was pleasant. Nothing I can do – procedure dictates we have to wait, and there’s not much I can do about that.

I zipped out at lunch and went to Guess looking for sunglasses, since mine are at the bottom of Canoe Lake. Guess had a decent pair for $30, but I didn’t love them, so I listened to Pretty’s voice in my head and left. Reitmans didn’t have anything either, but Icing had lots. I bought two pairs at $11/each and another pair for $3.50. Chicago asked what in God’s name I needed three pairs for. I don’t think he understands I have a habit of losing them, breaking them, scratching them, dropping them into lakes… I texted TheEx and asked how long he thought three pairs would last. His response? “A few days.” It’s just easier to buy multiple pairs at once and not have to go back for more later…

Anyway, I’d like to go and finish Joshua, and maybe move on to Judges tonight. A completely unholy thought, though… Rocky is on right now. The first one. And this is the first time I’ve ever seen Rocky and Adrian’s first kiss. Wow. Guys, if you need any input on how a woman wants to be kissed, go and watch that scene, ’cause damn. That was hot.

You need to go out right now and get Religulous. AM2 loaned it to me weeks ago, and I just finally got around to watching it. I’m not the only one who thinks it’s great. Moreso, perhaps, because I’m so interested in religion lately, and this sets you back a few steps and makes you question why.

My favourite lines – the US Senator who baldly states that no IQ test is necessary to enter the Senate. Uh… Dude, I wouldn’t be broadcasting that if I were you. Especially not when Bill Maher has just accused you of believing in a talking snake.

… And as Maher is standing in front of a giant sculpture in England -

“go trim the grass around the giant space penis.”

I refuse to put it in context, you must rent the movie and watch it yourself.

I do believe that some of his points were valid. What people who read the Bible and other holy texts must remember is that the stories are meant as analogies. I do not in any way believe that these stories came from the mouth of God Himself. I believe there is a God. I believe He is watching over us. I believe that there’s Something that blew a spark of life into us. Who gave us souls. But I don’t believe He wrote a book called the Holy Bible and passed it around.

AM2 told me not that long ago that she wants her children to have faith. She doesn’t particularly care what they believe, though she’s raising them Catholic. What she wants is this: when they feel alone, when they are lonely, when they think that no one will ever understand them or care for them, she wants them to believe that someone is there, and that someone cares. Isn’t that what we’re all seeking in religion? An understanding presence? Something beyond ourselves to comfort us? The belief that someone out there cares?

All right, enough of that.

I woke up around ten this morning and had to get my butt in gear. Unbeknownst to me, I’d been drafted to pick up my cousin and take her to my other cousin’s baby shower this morning. So I drove in a giant triangle. From my place in B-town, I drove back to the farming village where I grew up, and then from there, down to the shower, and then back into the Hammer to go to TheEx’s because he wanted a hand taking care of Nephew2 and Nephew3, and then back to B-town. The round-trip was about 100km. Not exactly what I had in mind for my Sunday, but you do what you gotta do.

When I left the shower, Mom gave me 1) cheesy cauliflower soup, 2) beans from the barbecue place I went to with Dad last weekend, 3) hot peppers, 4) leftover dessert from the shower, 5) leftover appetizers from the shower, 6) turkey rice soup, and 7) leftover veggies. I’m sure I’m forgetting something. TheEx had the apps for his dinner, as I figured he probably would. That’s okay. I know how to make them, and he’s clumsy in the kitchen.

I talked to T. tonight. I called her in tears while watching the Catholic segment of Religulous. I couldn’t even speak I was laughing so hard. I’m glad she answered the phone; we chatted for about an hour. It’s been so long since I talked to her! Things are going well for her and TheBoy, and I can’t wait to see her again. Of course we talked about Mud, but that’s nothing new. We decided we need to convince him to move to Canadia, though.

Anyway, I need to wash my face and get to bed. It’s cool enough in here that I’m wearing a sexy Canadian outfit – a t-shirt, my ugly shorts, and knee-high knitted socks. It’s gonna be time to warm up my cornbag, if this weather keeps up…

Rocky IV is on. At least, I think it’s Rocky IV. It’s the one with the Russian. Rocky III with Mr.T just finished. No, I wasn’t really watching it. I was watching X3, but when it – nevermind. This is irrelevant. Let’s just say that I spent my night quietly at home, chillin’.

I woke up this morning at 7:30 and went over to AM2’s to take care of her dogs. Stayed there for a while, then came back home, where TheEx showed up with breakfast. Watched part of a movie, and Woodstock called. Then I had to go out to meet Grammar and get some money from him. Then back to the apartment to finish the movie, and back out to take care of AM2’s dogs again. (some relaxing day, eh?)

Mud texted while I was out, but I still had TheEx with me. Then he was going to call, I thought… But it was about an hour and a half later. By then, I was settled in bed, reading The Bible (I’m almost done Joshua). I had just put it down and shut my eyes, when Mud called. Damn it! lol. Oh well.

I’ve had time to sort of think about what he said, now. And really, I’m no further ahead than I was yesterday. But at least he’s aware of how I feel now, to some extent. And I’ve made it clear that if we’re not going for the long haul, there isn’t much point in continuing an incredibly difficult relationship. I’m willing to try. I’m not so sure I’ll be able to convince him, come October, that we should be by each other’s sides. But if he cares as much as T. thinks he does, then perhaps it won’t be a hard task. I don’t know.

Something I hadn’t thought earlier… perhaps the “I don’t know you well enough” is an excuse. Maybe what it really means is I’m too scared to commit right now, and this will buy me some more time. And in that case, he’s right. But at the same time, he was honest in admitting that he didn’t have relationship-style feelings for me in the first place, so I don’t know why he’d backtrack now, unless he’s not aware himself of what he’s doing.

But that I have to base on what T. thinks. So I’d rather – for the moment – base what I think he’s thinking on what I know. And I know that this is new to him, and I know that he thinks enough of me that he wants to see if this is going to work. And I know that he knows where I stand in terms of wanting a future, not a fling. So I guess the rest is up to nature, and seeing what October brings.

At least I know that what I have has been laid on the table. No more hiding, no more guessing at feelings (what am I saying – I’m a woman, I’m a Pisces, and I’m slightly neurotic. I’m always going to wonder about feelings). But I’m pleased with what got accomplished today. If it was a test, I’d give myself an 85%.

Onward and upward. Tomorrow is the baby shower for my cousin, and I get the present that Dad bought for me. At least, I assume I do. I expect it’s beans. A weird gift, but that’s Pa for ya.

You know I love you, you know it’s true
It’s up to you, girl, now what have I got to do
Don’t hold me up, girl, don’t waste my precious time
Won’t you lay it on the line

All right. I talked to Mud today. The awful dreadful conversation turned out not too badly, at least in my mind. I’m tired, that was a damned hard conversation to have. But I guess sometimes you have to sit back and discuss things that aren’t “easy” if you want to move forward. Woodstock, Chicago and I all expected it not to work out in my favour, though to be honest, Woodstock wasn’t exactly sure what “my favour” would be.

Here’s some of an email that I sent to T. a few minutes ago.

He doesn’t feel that, despite the fact that he’s known me for years, he really knows me well enough to decide if he wants a long-term relationship with me. But he’d like to continue getting to know me. He said my text is correct – I may have had feelings for him for a long time, but this really started for him in May.

He didn’t realize how much I’d liked him over the years. While he always liked me, and he knew I liked him, he was – and is (according to him) – still unaware of the depth of my feelings. Being that I was married and he had a girlfriend, he didn’t ever really expect anything to happen. He spent time with me because he liked spending time with me, and he didn’t realize until one of our last conversations that his actions completely confused me at times.

He really says that May “just happened”. That it wasn’t a premeditated thing, that he didn’t “plan” anything, and that he didn’t know at the time that that’s where it was going to lead.

He is clearly, unavoidably, impossibly concerned with the fact that he has no idea why I’m interested in him. I tried to clear that up a bit, but I’m not sure it helped. I know it’s a giant no-no, but I brought up my past marriage and some of what went wrong with TheEx in order to illustrate why I thought Mud was a better match for me.

I was left sort of wondering if there was anything I could say that would make him happy, or if he was just going to continue to throw up roadblock after roadblock forever. Does he want to make this work, or is he just going to keep thinking of everything that could go wrong as excuses to not even try?

I explained – without actually using the word “love” – that if he didn’t see the potential to completely change his life around for me, then there wasn’t any point in us trying this any longer. I stressed that I wasn’t asking him to change his life now, just that if he flat-out didn’t see the potential, then there wasn’t any point in me trying to make this work on my end. I explained that I wanted to be married again and have kids some day, and if he didn’t see those same goals for himself, then there really wasn’t any point in talking about it any more. I even called him a commitment-phobe. He said that he didn’t see himself being single forever, and while he flat-out walked around the subject of long-term with me, he did say that he wanted us to continue to get to know each other.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to break through that wall. It’s going to take a gigantic lightbulb going off over his head for him to realize that he loves me, if that is true.

But I’ll hang in there for a while. I was totally, 100% honest with him, and referred several times to not walking around subjects anymore for fear they might offend him or make him run; that if he wanted to run, he should do it sooner rather than later, before I invest any more of myself in him.

So I’m not giving up. I’m not even backing off. But I’m going to be as “me” as I can be in the next few months, so he can decide if I’m the person he wants or not. He’s opened the door a bit, and now I need to sit down and have a beer with him and see if he’ll open it the rest of the way.

(and yes, Woodstock, I know it sounds like I’m all calm and controlled and concise. But no, LOL, I’m not. A little more hopeful, perhaps, but certainly not “calm”.)

Sometimes I wait forever
To stand out in the rain
So no one sees me cryin’….

I’m tired, and I have a headache. Pretty left about an hour ago, after visiting for a few hours. She looks so amazing, and I’m so jealous of what she’s accomplished. Not jealous in that I want to poke her eyes out with a sharp stick, but in seven months, she’s lost so much weight… and she looks so damn good. I don’t know how my ego stands being friends with all these extraordinarily good-looking women. I look at the picture of my great-grandmother and I know what I’m gonna look like in thirty years, and trust me, it ain’t pretty.

Anyway. I sent Mud a text last night. It was three texts, I suppose. What is that, 435 characters? So it was a short message, just basically to say that I’ve had feelings for him for a really long time, and that this is all new to him, isn’t it, and if he’s never going to think long-term about us, then why are we even going through this exercise?

I love him, I can’t help that. But I need to know if I need to figure out how to stop loving him. I was hoping to hear from him tonight, but such is clearly not the case since it’s 10:15 my time.

Oh well. Tomorrow’s another night.

I did go to the gym tonight (probably explains the headache) and I did half an hour of cardio and half an hour of weights. It felt good to be back in there, doing what I like doing. There’s something very adrenaline-y and very calming about watching the minutes tick down on a cardio machine. And something very powerful about watching the sweat rivulets run down your calves. Calves!

I’m heading to bed. It’s nice and cool in here, I’ve been home for three hours so Indy’s been out of his cage, and the guy from high school has to get up at 2 a.m. and just went to bed, so I have no one to talk to.

I did my updates tonight on my spreadsheet… I’m still saving money in my RRSP and pension plan, which is good. But I didn’t pay off all that much debt last month. I imagine this is how it’s going to be from now on, with TheEx not paying on the MC, and I didn’t pay anything on my taxes as I’m waiting for that paperwork to come through… FML.

Dear Mud,

There’s this conversation that you and I need to have. The problem is, I called you on Friday night, and I’m refusing to call you until I hear from you. Childish? I think not, since you called last night and left a message but haven’t called me back. I thought we were doing this “taking turns” thing with the calling. And frankly, the longer it takes you to call me, the more time I have to think about this.

And the more time I have to think about this, the more sure I am that you have no intention of coming up in October. I think your cold feet are going to turn into cold legs and that’s that. I expect that this “summer fling” has been flung and that that’s it.

As T. pointed out, you didn’t know… You have no idea that I’ve been interested in you for years. You probably wouldn’t understand if I told you that the whole sleeping-with-Mud experience was surreal, unbelievable, and completely unexpected. I’d given up on you. For years, you’ve been paying more attention to me than a “friend” would, but you never crossed the line. Pretty suggested that perhaps it wasn’t that you were ignoring me, but that you were waiting for things to be final between TheEx and me. And perhaps that’s true, in some subconscious part of your brain, but it sure wasn’t / isn’t true in reality.

T. is convinced that you care for me a great deal. But at the same time, she warns me not to put all my eggs in one basket. And over the past week, I’m inclined to agree. I don’t know that you are capable / able / willing to give me what I want, what I need. I’m ready now, to move on. To move into a serious relationship, to move on to the next phase in my life. Let’s face it, I’m not a spring chicken, and I’d like to eventually have a family of my own. If that family was to happen with you, there’s a lot to accomplish and only a short time to accomplish it in.

And I’m not being impatient, I don’t think. I’m not desperate, I’m just practical. Woodstock says I’m a realist. I think that’s true in this case. Let me be honest – I think I could love you better. I could love you more fiercely than you probably even realize. You’re the perfect combination of everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. Seriously, it’s a tad bit frightening. I know I’ve said that before about other guys, but I’ve had a tendre for you for years, you stupid redneck.

The problem is that I think you’re too set in your ways. I don’t think you have any intention… Let me put it this way. It’s like I’m standing at a glass door, watching you. I can see you, if you’re in the living room. But you’re not in the living room all the time, and I can’t hear you at all. When you’re in the bedroom or kitchen or any other part of the house, you’re not there. That’s sort of what our relationship has been like so far. You’re letting me look at specific parts of your life, but you’re not opening the door and letting me in. And I don’t know how to get past it. I’m not the type to bust down the door, and I’m not sure that you wouldn’t run out the front as I was coming in the back, anyway.

I just don’t know what more to do, Mud. Of course I love you, so the idea of giving up on you seems so damn foreign. And yet, it’s something I’m considering, if only for my own sanity. I can’t keep living like this – sort-of involved with a man who doesn’t know… doesn’t respect…. doesn’t get me… Doesn’t… who just doesn’t love me back.

If I should learn, in some quite casual way,
That you were gone, not to return again -
Read from the back-page of a paper, say,
Held by a neighbour in a subway train,
….
I should not cry aloud – I could not cry
Aloud, or wring my hands in such a place -
I should but watch the station lights rush by
With a more careful interest on my face;
Or raise my eyes and read with greater care
Where to store furs and how to treat the hair.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay

This evening’s blog has been preempted by thinking.

Thinking about happiness.

Thinking about Mud.

Thinking about work.

Thinking about the extra four hours a week that AM2 has given back to me because I work too much, according to her.

Thinking about what T. and Mud said to each other.

Thinking about what I would say to Mud, if I was to lay it all on the line and tell him… flat out… where I stand.

Thinking maybe it’s time to be the machine for once, instead of the cog.

I feel like an old guitar
Looking for some brand new strings
Never thought I’d get this far
Without saving anything
For me
Do you still have that smile for me
And could I stay here for a while

I didn’t want to leave Mom & Dad’s. And it wasn’t just because I was on vacation and didn’t want to go back to work. Something that T. said has stuck in my head – I’m happiest up north. Perhaps I need to be closer to my family.

I thought about it all the way home, driving most of the way with the radio off and just thinking about what I wanted from life. Is it Mud? Is it my family? Is it a simpler, quieter existence? I think… I can’t do much until I get my debt paid off. We’re all in the same boat, aren’t we. I need to get my debt paid off, and then perhaps I can reinspect my life. Re-evaluate what I want. I would like to think that I would be happier in a small town, where I can see the stars at night. But then again, I like being close to the grocery store and the mall and so forth. Is there a happy medium?

I don’t know. I just know that I seem to be searching for something without being able to find what it is. I am clearly seeking something… The constant moving, the antidepressants, starting the Bible, considering taking courses at school again… What is it that I’m after? I don’t know. Damn it, I wish I could just put my finger on it. I wish I knew what I wanted or needed. I wish I knew what would complete me. The truth is, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

I wonder if this Prozac isn’t working. Or if perhaps the Cipralex worked “better” or if perhaps neither would be working right now, in the wake of the whirlwind trip up north and the disappointment from Mud and so on… I just seem to have lost focus, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I am not happy. The realization came while I was driving home, and I was shocked. There isn’t anything in particular not to be happy about, but nevertheless, there it is. The funny part that struck me was thinking to myself, “I should do what makes me happy.” What? Am I actually sitting around waiting for others to make me happy? I guess, to a certain extent, perhaps I am. Perhaps we all are?

I’m waiting on Mud. I’m waiting for him to decide what he wants.

I’m waiting on T. to come back to Canada and for the “compound” (ha ha).

I’m waiting on my debt to vanish so I can determine what I really want to do with my life.

I’m waiting on the medication to cease so I’m “better” and can move forward.

I know it’s time to stop waiting. I think it’s a weakness of mine, that my poor fish just swim with the current rather than fighting to make their own path. But that’s the way I am, and I recognize that I am a follower, perhaps not in the “sheep” sense, but in the sense that I don’t blaze new trails. I am an accessory, I think, I am not the machine itself. Someone else – something else – has to work in order for me to move. That sounds horrid, when put like that, but at least I recognize it?

I am not the machine. I will never be the machine. But perhaps it’s time to set a course that will … what? set me free? Allow me to operate independently? I don’ t know.

How’s this for a completely nonsensical blog entry?

I have had two glasses of wine, and though I didn’t feel it back on the couch, I can feel the alcohol coursing through my veins now. Funny, as my father and I were talking about my mother’s drinking habits earlier this evening. He’s still concerned, and I am, too. I won’t go into the exact nature of the concern here, because some things are private matters, and I’ve always said I won’t write about other peoples’ lives. But that we are concerned concerns me. (see, I am a touch hammered.)

Nevertheless, I had two rather large glasses of wine tonight, and I’m feeling their effects. I guess two glasses is good – better than six or eight, I suppose. Pretty has agreed to go out with me next Friday; I feel the need to “get my flirt on”. Cause trouble, and be a bit of a visual distraction. Cocktease, I believe is the expression.  

Today I did not much at all. I did walk uptown to get some sausage for TheEx for looking after Indigo. I lay in the sun and then in the shade in my bikini (and got a sun rash, how weird is that?), and I met Dad in town for dinner (he paid). We had an ice cream and then came home. He slept as I watched the Nascar race and read my book. I very much miss my father sometimes. I wish I lived closer, as I know he’d appreciate the quiet company on the nights that my mom works. And I also know that he appreciates the boisterous company of the nephews when they’re here.

There’s a spider outside the window, here. He’s been building a web for at least the last six or eight hours, and I think I’ve decided that I like spiders. I have two that live on my balcony at home, and I like them. I miss them when I can’t see them. I’m not sure if they’re eating anything, as I never see any coccoons in their webs, but I like to think they’re guarding my apartment from bugs. And I’m fascinated by the geometric shapes of their webs. I feel sorry for this fellow here, who appears to have completed three of four sections of his, because as soon as someone opens or closes the window, his work will be destroyed. Such a shame. The lines are amazing. It must be so horrid to go through all that work only to have it destroyed in a moment.

Texted with Mud a few times, tonight. I’m not sure what to do about that, either. I’m wary of investing any more of myself in this relationship, when he clearly wasn’t aware of how much I had invested in the first place. And though we may be the “perfect” couple, if he’s not willing to … acknowledge that the distance is a surmountable problem (as opposed to insurmountable), well… I just… I don’t know. I guess it’s my own carefully crafted web, and I’m just waiting to see if he’s going to close the window on me.

The rodeo’s over
the folks all gone home
and the cowboys are all down the road…

Vacation’s almost over. It’s Friday today. It doesn’t feel like it, but then again, the days rarely do feel like much up here, it all blends together.

Today I got up early (well, for me) and went to the beach this morning with Mom. We headed out to “Grandma’s Beach” by the cottage, because it’s quieter and there’s no charge for parking, unlike Sauble.

An Inukshuk at Red Bay

There we found an Inukshuk on the sand. It was nicely done, for being on a beach. I wonder where they got the rocks, and who built it. Interestingly,  the traditional meaning of the Inukshuk is “Someone was here” or “You are on the right path.” I think I almost needed that direction today, to show me that I was where I was supposed to be. T. suggested perhaps that there’s nothing wrong with handling stress differently now, and that maybe I need to be closer to my family, as I’m never as happy as I am up here. I love it up here, absolutely. Perhaps it’s time to consider moving here. The only problem is, would living here take the magic away? I don’t know. I certainly won’t find a “career” up here. I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads – it’s time to choose a path. Will that path be Mud? A new job? A new place to live? I’m not sure.

I sent an email to Grandpa last night, just before I blogged. I told him what had been going on in the past few weeks, with the trip to Algonquin, and Mud, and now being up north. He called the house tonight, with the specific aim of talking to me. He said he thinks we’re both going through similar experiences, though he doesn’t want to call it depression on his side, he thinks we need to talk more often. I guess I’ll increase the number of emails that I send him and buy the $20 calling card next time so I can talk to him more often. I never saw eye-to-eye with my grandfather; perhaps now that we’re both a bit lonely we need each other. A time and a place for everything, I suppose.

Dad asked me if I talked to Mud last night, and I had forgotten and said no. He asked whether I was talking to someone last night when my light was out, and I said no… ? He said that when he got up to use the washroom last night around 2 a.m., he heard my voice in my bedroom. Apparently I was talking in my sleep. I wonder how often I do that. I know that Sis does it, and I know I’ve done it in the past, and I wonder what brings that on? I’ve also been having vivid dreams lately.

I emailed T. today and told her that I’m almost scared that I won’t be able to handle stress the same way anymore (hence her comment from above). But sitting here, last night and tonight, I almost feel at a loss. I really feel… I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I expect or what I’m supposed to do next. I’m sure part of it is just routine – if I get back to work and back into the routine perhaps I’ll settle down. But I guess I’m 30, and it’s time to … I don’t know. Am I putting pressure on myself? Is Pretty’s life change affecting me? Is T.’s decision about 2010 affecting me? Is Mud’s crazy-ass attitude affecting me? Perhaps my guard is down and I’m susceptible now to other people’s emotions more strongly than before. I’m not… I just don’t know. All I know is I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and I’m not sure why.

But then today I got an email from Woodstock, bless her, and she wants to come visit. I have to look at my schedule. Frankly, I’m not even sure what I’m working next week, let alone two weeks from now. But just hearing that she cared for me and wanted to make time to come and see me was a much-needed reminder that my friends love me. I just need to figure out where the path is and get back on it.