Good Fish, Bad Fish.

No really, that is a song title, I swear.

CB came over tonight and showered at my place. Actually, he was here before I showed up. We talked for a bit, then he drove me over to pick up my prescription and some pop. While we were at the mall, he got a call that he had to go back to work at 8:30. So we ate a quick dinner, yadda yadda’ed, and off he went. Damnit. I wasn’t all that happy about it, but I understand his reasoning for going, and I can’t argue with a guy who’s helping out his boss, a guy with a torn tendon and a broken ankle.

Pretty happened to be coming over anyway, and I told her that CB had made comments about high school again. And that I wasn’t letting it bother me, as per her instructions that I’m way hotter now than I was in high school, and if this was a high school fantasy thing then it would’ve been over by now, but that he’d said something about why hadn’t I groped his bum in high school. So she looked at me, tilted her head in that way she has, and put it all into perspective.

“This started in high school for him,” she said. “Remember how with you and Mud it started for you way before it started for him? You started the journey before he did?”

…. and the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine shone down on my dumb blonde head ….

“For CB, this started in high school. So he’s at a different point in the journey than you. But that doesn’t mean it’s a high school fantasy, because if it was, it would be over by now. And it sure would’ve been over after he’d introduced you to his friends.”

And that makes total, complete, 100% sense. CB doesn’t keep referring to high school because he wants to still be in high school, or that he wishes I was the high school version of myself. He keeps referring to high school because, as Pretty put it, “that’s when it started for him.” Oooooh. Like me talking about walking around the lake with Mud. That was a big deal to me. Not so big to Mud, because he didn’t see it the way I did. But CB noticed me in high school. I was part of his high school experience. He wasn’t part of mine.

Now, I’m listening to techno dance music (WTF??) and thinking I should probably hit the sack.

Oh, another thing. I started the yadda yadda part of the evening with oral. And CB put a stop to that and we just yadda yadda’ed together. And after, I asked him why he’d stopped me. “Well, how long did you want to keep going?” he asked. “How long would it have taken you?” I asked him. His response? “Never.” Wow, dude. That’s like throwing down a gauntlet!! Never. He has never gotten off orally. Which is probably why it doesn’t factor into his repertoire. But I enjoy doing it. And that really surprised him. So perhaps we can find a bit of middle ground there.

And now that I’ve finished telling you things that you don’t want to know about me… I’ll leave you with this. “Doggy style” is kinda… naughty. Right? Good girls don’t like it like that, only porn stars do. So how – when you’re not the one in charge in a relationship – do you tell the guy that you’re with that you want it from behind? (not in the behind, but from behind) Sticking your ass in the air seems so… not sexy.

It seems like only yesterday
You were just a child at play
Now you’re all grown up inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee
Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it’s gone
Love goes on and on

CB was supposed to come by tonight but wasn’t able. That’s okay, I think he’s planning on coming down tomorrow, based on the conversation we had when I left CM.

I’m so damn lazy tonight. I’ve done nothing – just sat here and played Farkle on FB and IM’med with T. for a bit. It’s now about twenty to eleven and I’m headed to bed, I think. I have dishes to do and crap like that, and no interest in doing them. Tomorrow is definitely another day for that junk.

Mom is coming down with my costume on Friday; I’m working an extra half hour so I can take an hour for lunch and we can get together. Otherwise, it’s been pretty quiet at Hell, even one of the other guys commented on it today. Not a good sign, but not much we can do about it. It’s a five-week month, and it’s a damned long one. November is almost here, which means Grandpa’s wedding, and T. coming to town (not since May has she been here!) and Creep’s birthday and so on… Then it’s practically Christmas.

Let’s not rush things, Blue. There’s plenty of time before the year ends. Now take yourself to bed and fall asleep with a smile on your face again.

… for the record, I have a few friends who need some kind thoughts, so take a minute here… T.’s mom. Pretty. AM2. TheGuy from CM. Just take a minute to send some good karma their way.

I am in love with this man.

I can’t help it.

He’s practically perfect.

I know I might look back on this post in a week, in a month, in six months, and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

But for right this minute, I can’t wipe the smile off my face.

He came here, even though he was clearly exhausted. His face was drawn and he was just not happy. But he came because he wanted to see me. Last night, when he wasn’t able to come (car trouble – alternator problems), he IM’med me to say, “I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight “

Guys, don’t ever, ever discount how important the words are to your woman. It was so amazingly wonderful to hear that. Then tonight he came over, and he brought bulbs for my car. He went out and bought bulbs for my car. And then he changed my brake light, and now it works.

I bought him dinner (Swiss Chalet – who doesn’t love Swiss Chalet?). Then he still wasn’t quite “right”. So I asked him to lie down on the bed and I rubbed him from toe to head and back again. His feet, calves, hamstrings, his back, his thighs, that tendon that runs past his knee, his tris and bis… The back of his neck is his favourite spot, I think. And by the time I finished, he was in a much better, more calm mood. Not that he was upset, but I think he was just really tired.

Then we lay there for two hours and talked. About why I broke up with TheEx, why he broke up with his ex. About sex and sex toys and religion and politics. About this and that and dating and everything. God.

No sex, Chicago. Either I’m doing something very right or very wrong, I’m not sure which. Because at some points, during the whole rubbing process, he was … excited. But he didn’t. And you know, I’m not in charge, so I didn’t, either. lol. I could stay wrapped in his arms forever. I think we’re finally getting past the tiptoeing stage and we’re actually getting to know each other now. And I still like what I see. A lot.

I need to share the karma story, but that’s for tomorrow. Tonight, I’m going back to my bed, which apparently “smells great” and definitely “smells great” now because CB lay in it for three hours, almost. Me likey.

So last night I posted my blog entry about the concert. I’d actually written it at 4:30 Monday afternoon, because I wasn’t really busy at work and I wanted to jot down my thoughts.

Now I’m doing the same thing – I didn’t really get the chance to blog last night, so I’m doing it now, at 12:30, at work.

I worked last night at CM with Rico, who is leaving for Japan in about two weeks. He’s taking a teaching position there and he’s over the moon about the concept. I would not be over the moon about going to another country, where the first language isn’t anything even resembling English, and where I know no one. I’ve learned in the past year that I like my friends, and I love my family. I’m not sure that moving half a world away would be a great idea for me. (As an aside, I always criticized Sis for not being able to move away from Mom and Dad. But perhaps she is stronger than I am in being able to admit that she needs familial support?)

CB was supposed to come over last night, but I called him when I left work (I’d missed his call) and he was extremely pissed off. He called me back at about 10:30. He’d been planning to come to my place, but had problems with his car and the alternator belt that resulted in him driving home with no lights on, and having to take part of a day off work to play with the car today. He caught me on IM a little later and said that, “I was looking forward to seeing you tonight. ” I was touched, he doesn’t often say things like that, so it was really nice to hear.

He’s planning to come over tonight, but I haven’t any idea when. I brought my gym stuff just in case and I’ll have to stop by the mall and pick up my prescription, anyway. I saw the doc about an hour and a half ago, and he agreed that I could stay on my Prozac until the new year. Yes, he said, December wasn’t a great time to start coming off the pills. So I have 60 days plus a refill, and I have a physical booked for January 22. I’ll talk to him then about going off the meds. He said that I’d be taking one every other day for three weeks, and then one every three days for three weeks. Then hopefully I can fly free and without Prozac, at least for a little while. I expect that this might be a problem I have on and off for the rest of my life, but at least I know how to treat it.

There was a guy out in front of Hell yesterday… he deliberately walked into the path of a transport truck and was killed instantly. I am so, so glad that my depression has never once invoked suicide. Sure, everyone has thought about it, but it’s always been an idle thought for me, not something that I could see myself doing. I never bought a sharp knife or a razor blade with the intention of killing myself. I never seriously contemplated driving my car off the road or walking into the water with my pockets full of rocks. I certainly can’t imagine just stepping off the sidewalk and into the path of a truck. I feel worse for the driver than the victim, though. The poor driver, who has to live with the fact that he inadvertently killed someone. If you’re gonna go, if you’re gonna take your own life, do it yourself. Don’t put someone else at risk by your foolish actions. That driver has to live with that for the rest of his life.

I haven’t anything to do here at work right now, but I probably shouldn’t advertise that fact.

Friday night Sis and I went to the gym. That was an experience, but not one I’ll bore you with here. Suffice it to say that I’m still sore, but she begged off most of the weights that I did by saying that she had done weights in her cardio class the night before.

After she played with my shower curtain rod, it fell off the wall and right onto the back of my hand. I have a bruise the size of a quarter, and I wasn’t exactly pleased. But she fixed it Saturday morning, so I really shouldn’t complain too loudly.

Sis looked up parking lots in Toronto while I finished doing my hair. We were both chatting with Pretty, who showed up to drop off my eye gel. It was raining, which made the drive to Toronto completely miserable. Luckily Sis knew where she was going and where the Horseshoe Tavern was, because I didn’t have a clue.

We parked in an underground lot under a furrier (?!?) and walked a few blocks back to the Horseshoe. I know it’s “legendary”, but what a horrible place to hear a concert. We walked in the front door of the venue, and it’s only about fifteen feet wide, including the space behind the bar. Then you have the “back room”. I can just picture a false wall and guys sitting back there, playing poker with cigar smoke hanging about.

We were in time for the second opening act, Mike Plume. I recognized him from his CMT video, “This Is Our Home”, and I have to admit, I was pretty impressed by his music. It was very bluesy, just on the edge of country, in my opinion. I think I’ll check him out on iTunes and see what I can find.

Corb went on around 11:30 or so. He and the Hurtin’ Albertans came out in matching black suit jackets with black sequins on them – very country. He has cut his hair, and it looks quite good. I expect it’s a lot easier with the short hair, since we were close enough to watch the sweat drip off the side of his face. (His jacket disappeared after a few songs, and he showed off his “Where the Fuck Am I?” shirt. Funny – he wears it to the concerts, but they blurred out the “fuck” when they took his picture for the new album.)

He played pretty much all of my favourites, including “Truth Comes Out”, “Student Visas” (absolutely my favourite), “I Wanna Be In The Cavalry”, “Horse Soldier!”, “Hurtin’ Albertan”, “Hard on Equipment”, “Hair In My Eyes Like a Highland Steer”, “Gonna Shine Up My Boots”, and a number of others. The concert was close to two hours long. He finished the show with Rye Whiskey, which is a live track on his latest album. Off the new album, he also played “Alberta”, “Long Gone To Saskatchewan”, “Losin’ Lately Gambler” and “This Is My Prairie”.

I hope he records his new version of “Roughest Neck Around” – he’s changed the lyrics to create a theme song for his beloved Oilers, and it was awesome. Even being a Leafs fan (I can’t help it, of course), I can appreciate why they’re playing his Oilers tune before the games.

Of course he played “Truck Got Stuck”, but the crowd went wild after the first few chords. He stopped, stared at us, and said, “It’s like catnip.” I don’t think it was meant as a compliment.

He sang the song, but it was pretty obvious that he was completely disgusted with it. I’m willing to bet he’s as sick of playing it as The Barenaked Ladies are of playing “$1,000,000″. I recall an interview I saw once where he said that it was odd, which song had caught the audience’s attention. Corb said that there were other songs on that album with deeper meanings (I’m guessing he meant “Truth Comes Out”), but that the audience was stuck on this silly truck song. I guess it’s true what they say – you should make sure your first single is a song that you’ll never get sick of.

If I could say anything negative, it would be that if he isn’t “feeling” the song anymore, he should stop playing it. Frankly, seeing the way he reacted when he played it ruined it for me. Corb didn’t interact with the crowd as much as he did when I saw him at Jackhammer’s. Even when Mike Plume came out and sang with him, it was good, but not … as friendly as I think Corb has it in him to be. He wasn’t tossing out smiles and comments like the last time I saw him. Still, his voice is remarkable, and the songs are just rife with meaning and Canadiana.

As for the venue. I can’t see any reason why I would go back to the Horseshoe. It’s too small, it’s too crowded, the damn floor is uneven. It’s poorly lit, and there wasn’t any security present at all. When some totally smashed chick jumped up on the stage, Corb basically had to wait for her to go away. Of course the talent never touch people when they jump onstage (can’t you see the lawsuits now!?), but a bouncer could’ve grabbed her. If there was one there, and he was at the back of the room, well, he was completely useless. It would’ve taken him twenty minutes to make his way to the stage.

The stage is also quite low. He wasn’t any more than two and a half feet off the ground. The stage at Jackhammer’s is set back in a corner, and it’s probably three or four feet off the ground. So you can actually SEE the performers from pretty much anywhere in the bar. With Corb, we had to be right at the front, or the people in front of us blocked our view.

Sis protected my back as best she could. She mocked me (does she ever do anything else?) – asking, “haven’t you ever been in the front of a crowd at a bar before?” Well, no. Not right up front like that – shit, I could see the sweat dripping off the man’s face by the end of the show. But I was getting shoved left, right and centre by the people around me. Some jackass hit me in the head more than once with his elbows. Some woman was holding her beer right in my face. In good news, a girl was leaving the front of the stage, and Sis asked if she would bring her back a drink. The girl said “sure!” and she came back with Sis’s drink, and all of her change. It was pretty impressive. Very Canadian.

But a couple of guys decided that Sis and I were fair game and rubbed pretty much every part of their anatomies against us. I can see, suddenly, how women gravitate to the biggest guys, the dominant guys, because that’s exactly what happened in this elemental concert pit. You don’t want to be touched, but it’s better to have SOMEONE at your back than go it alone. You revert back whenever you get in a crowd, in my opinion. Put humans in a little room and watch them turn into monkeys!

Nevertheless, the show was a definite experience. Corb is fantastic, as always, and I almost wish I was going to the show in Hamilton tonight, too. I bought the new CD and I’ve already listened to it front to back four times. There’s no substitute for honest music.

And it was a good girls’ night out. I was exhausted by the time we left the ’shoe. My feet were sore (not as sore as Sis’s, that’ll teach her to wear stiletto boots!). I had a headache from the crowd and the noise. But luckily it had stopped raining. Unfortunately, I left my patience somewhere on the floor of the ’shoe, and Sis was kind enough to put up with me on the ride back to my place. … ’til next time, I guess.

You know what it is? I’m not in charge. What. The. Fuck.

AM2 is correct. Perhaps I am a bit of a control freak.

Pretty is right. I am not presently driving the bus.

We have sex when CB wants to have sex. We eat when he wants. We get together when he wants. Now, I’m not in any way saying that he’s an authoritarian asshole, because he’s not. But… it came to me on the way home tonight. I am not in charge. I have never not been in charge. I’m not upset so much as I am puzzled by being in the passenger seat in this a relationship.

It’s something I’m going to watch, something I’m going to review. Not because I think it’s a bad thing. In fact, I’m typing this with a smile on my face. The entire concept amuses me. I’m not sure what to think, quite yet. I remember telling T. that I wanted a man who could stand up to me. Well, CB hasn’t stood up to me yet, but we’re still feeling each other out… Neither one of us is rocking the boat. Yet, I am definitely not in control. I am honestly not sure if I like it, or not.

He’s a Leo. I know that has something to do with it. We went to the house party at his friend’s place last night and he did go all “Alpha Male”. But he’s comfortable with his friends and he knows his place, and he knows he’s okay there. It’s just…

Well, hell. I guess we’ll wait and see if he can take care of me. The only one who’s ever even tried is TheGiant, and though he thought he had it right, he really failed. CB … well, that’s what dating is about. I guess you learn a lot about yourself in the process.

PS – I can add “coconut cream pie” to my repertoire, because I make a mean-ass pie! There’s no way CB knew that was my first time making it, and the “practice” pie that Pretty and I shared was to die for. Another one bites the dust!

So last night I found myself at a house party at CB’s friend’s house. Actually, his garage. His garage, that has a corvette in storage. A pool table. Two pinball machines and an arcade game. A propane heater. A couch. A rockin’ stereo system. A barbecue almost as big as my living room. And still plenty of room for twenty or thirty people.

CB was good, though he introduced me to everyone as “Blue”, not “my girlfriend, Blue.” Still, when he got over his discomfort and we found our groove, he pretty much had a hand on me the whole time. Or his lips. Fingers holding on to the back of my jeans.

His friends are nice. They’re all older than he is, but *shock!* that doesn’t bother me as many of my friends are older than me. A few asked how long we’d been seeing each other – funny how CB was conveniently gone for all those conversations?! Twice people asked if we were in love. We both basically looked at the floor and didn’t answer.

He took me out for a ride on his friend’s quad. That was fun. Damned cold, but fun. He was in the front, so he blocked most of the wind for me, but CB was only wearing a sweatshirt so by the time we got back to the garage, he was pretty damn cold. He also did up and undid the chinstrap on my helmet for me. It was kinda cute.

He was going out riding today with a friend or two of his. He figured he’d be leaving around eleven, but Buddy called him at 8:30 this morning to say he was already at the gas station, was CB ready yet? So up we got. He was brewing coffee when I left. Stopped by to see Grandpa this morning, told him a bit about CB and about Grandpa’s wedding next month…

I have to find a recipe for coconut cream pie, because CB is making steaks tonight for dinner, and I said I’d bring dessert. I’m going to Pretty’s to do my laundry. While I am working hard at trying not to book my day full of “things to do”, I’m figuring sitting around her house whilst doing my laundry and making a coconut cream pie is actually more relaxing than going to the laundromat and running back here, etc. etc. Anyway, I need to pack up the laundry and get my arse in gear. Pretty promised we could have an afternoon nap! I’ll go right from her place back to CB’s tonight, and then come home. I practically forget what it feels like to sleep in my bed…

Maybe tomorrow
A new romance
No more sorrow
But thats the chance – you gotta take
If your lonely heart breaks
Only the lonely

So. I made the man dinner, then I haven’t heard from him in two days. I sent him a text today, but I did not get a response. I didn’t hear from him yesterday. I sent him a message via MSN last night. He’s offline now. I kinda feel like I’m talking to myself. Clearly this is something that I feel strongly about, and I should probably talk to him, hmm? You can’t ignore me for two days and then pick up like everything’s fine. Is this what normal dating is like? I don’t know. I’m used to this with FWBs, but I thought a “boyfriend” would be a little more… responsive?

Anyway. My day was okay. What did I do for me today? Hmm. I ate a bag of Crispy Minis – Cheddar Cheese flavour. And an Oh Henry bar. But I drank my two litres of water (as if that makes it all okay). I ate the lunch and dinner I’d packed for myself.

I talked to AM2 about my hours, and she agreed to cut back on them. In fact, she made it sound like her idea, and I’m fine with that.  I saw Grammar and got another bit of money out of him. First time in a couple of weeks, but then again, I was away all of last week.

I set up the group for the If I Die party at Pretty’s house. We want to share the information we have and find out what other information other people have. Has someone used a good lawyer, does someone know how to fill out a legal will kit, that sort of thing. And it’s a potluck, and we’ve planned it – appropriately enough – for Devil’s Night.

Oh, and I got an email back from Dad’s financial guy. I couldn’t understand a word of it – I’ll have to take some time this weekend and look over his questions versus what information is available on my RRSP and pension plan from my year-end financial statement. I tried to email my insurance company about the possibility of getting

Now I should go and change my bed, which is quite overdue. Wash my face, and tuck myself into bed. It’s been a long day, and it’s a unique experience, not going to the gym after CM. I’m planning to go tomorrow, though. I just talked to Sis… She’s planning to be down here at around 7 tomorrow night, and it’s just going to be the two of us . . . again. Unless Pretty decides she still wants to go.

Okay, seriously. Time to go and change the bed.

I did not want to get up this morning. I know for a fact I won’t want to get up tomorrow morning. But I checked the mail this morning on my way out, and the invitation to Grandpa’s wedding was there. That put a smile on my face, though I waited until I got to work to open it because I didn’t want to destroy the envelope.

I signed my RSVP card and included a note to the bride-to-be telling her how happy I was that she was in Grandpa’s life.

I actually accomplished a fair bit today:

• I contacted an accountant (Dad’s) about how best to make sure that my RRSP is performing as it should. He agreed to look at the statement for me, for the cost of a bottle of red wine. I’m wondering if he can take over management of it for me. If not, then hopefully he can at least advise me what to do with the funds. I don’t know if I have the right mix or anything else.
• I reviewed some paperwork that Pretty sent me for the If I Die (IID) list. For the most part, I’ve got all that stuff sorted out…. That’s not exactly true. I know where all that stuff is, but I need to get the paperwork in order, get the account numbers written down just in case I die, that sort of thing. And then make sure that Pretty has copies of that paperwork, and probably my mom, too, IID.
• I reviewed the beneficiaries for my RRSP, pension plan, and TSA. The money goes to Mom, Sis, and Creep. That is, if there is any left after my debts are paid off.
• When I was going through the paperwork today, I also remembered that I have Loan Protector on my bank loan. That’ll be important for an Executor to know, yes?  
• Tomorrow I need to check what I have in the way of life insurance from Hell. I don’t think it’s enough, so I think I might contact the bank about getting some more. I would like there to be money left to cremate me if and when the time comes.
• Pretty and I talked about Wills, and we’re going to pick up kits from the store and do it ourselves, I think. I’m going to make her my Executor, though that means I need a different witness.
• And I have to spend a little time thinking about what I have of any value – sentimental or monetary – and who I want items to go to.
• I emailed the cemetery that Grandpa is in and I asked them to send me two Estate Planning kits. Maybe it’s time to “lock in” and get my remains a place to sleep evermore. lol.
• And I went to the gym for half an hour, to ensure I stay alive a few extra years!

This kick is all Pretty’s fault… but it’s good. It’s a good idea to have all the ducks in a row, IID. It seems so grown up. I don’t mind talking about it, it’s easy to joke now, when we’re young and healthy.

And on that note, I feel a little more grounded, having written down everything I accomplished today, so I’m off to bed.

I pinch myself sometimes to make sure I’m not in a dream
That’s how it seems
I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments I’ve ever known
It feels like home
And here I am I want to be your everything

 I am so screwed.

Aside from the fact that he’s a Leo – which I sometimes find annoying, but in a bemused sort of way, like I’m surprised to find myself annoyed sometimes? that’s what I mean - I don’t think there’s anything about CB not to like. He’s so freakin’ wonderful.

I grilled steak, steamed beans, baked potatoes, and sauteed mushrooms for dinner tonight. He was over the moon, and ate almost everything on his plate. There was no room for dessert. He must’ve thanked me ten times for making him dinner. Dude, it’s only dinner. Didn’t any of his exes ever cook for him? And it was only a $5 steak! I didn’t even do anything fancy like homemade lasagna. And I didn’t make beans and cream or any type of dessert… C’mon, as far as cooking is concerned, this meal was pretty basic. But he’d never had sauteed mushrooms before. Never? Never. He was pleased.

We ran over to the mall, where I introduced him to AM1, who happened to be working. He picked up a couple of CDs, and we came back home. I love just being with him. And yes, he is funny, and yes, he is intriguing. I was a bit worried about that. But then again, I think we’re finally getting a bit more comfortable with each other, a bit more comfortable with who we are. A bit more sure of each other?

I’m so not sure about this whole dating thing. I haven’t a clue how to do it, and I’m feeling my way along and trying to take my cues from him. Surely a guy who’s 31 and never married has done his fair share of dating? So surely he knows what comes next and how. I know, I can hear T. now. It just happens as it happens, and I know that’s true. I’ve been cautioning myself so much, telling myself whenever CB does something that I don’t like that it’s probably one of his regular behaviours… Yet I consistently want to spend more time with him, not less. And I get mad when I realize that he’s gotta go or I have to leave or I don’t get to see him for three days.

I’m afraid to lose the control I have over my emotions – yes, I said it, I, Blue, have some control over my emotions at the moment – because if I did, damn, it would be easy to just convince myself that I was in love with CB. And I’m not sure that would be a bad thing, but… Not yet. Not yet. It’s not time yet.